


Turning point: 7th year part I

by thegodmachine



Series: Turning Point Series [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Death Eaters, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gender Issues, Misgendering, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 10:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5201693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegodmachine/pseuds/thegodmachine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a summer apart, Lily and James return to their seventh year when they experience a devastating event that threatens to tear them apart</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turning point: 7th year part I

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for transphobia on a violent level (Not shown, but discussed) and misgendering.

Lily had already found an empty compartment on the train and was leaning out the window looking for familiar faces. She waved at her friend, Alice, who appeared at station 9 ¾ alongside her fiancé and his family. Lily took time to enjoy the sight of an overwhelmed Frank Longbottom as he tried his best to handle both of their luggage. ‘Poor boy,’ she thought amused.

“Lily, you won’t mind if Frank and I sit on our own, will you?” Alice asked as they walked by her open compartment door. “We want some time to ourselves before the school year properly begins,” Alice explained.

“Summer wasn’t enough?” Lily asked with a smile. “I got a copy of the Daily Prophet, and saw that your parents have formally announced your engagement.”

Alice smiled wildly then let out a squeal. She raised her left hand and showed Lily a large diamond ring. “Look at the size of this thing,” She gushed. The stone on the engagement ring was much larger than any stone Lily had ever seen. The ring itself centered with one large white diamond surrounded by tiny purple gems. “It belonged to his mother and her mother and so on. It’s been in his family for generations.”

“It’s lovely, Alice,” Lily said. Alice couldn't help but look smug as she dragged Frank—who had been standing quietly at her side with rosy cheeks—and their luggage away. “Nice to see you, Frank!” Lily called as he disappeared from view without a chance to speak. She shook her head at that odd couple.

Lily leaned back into her cabin. She had to admit she was happy for her friend and couldn’t say she was surprised. Alice had made it well known to all when she became betrothed to Frank Longbottom, and Longbottom had made their relationship well known by never having an original thought in his head after that announcement. Her overbearing personality and his passive one made them a match made in heaven or in muggle TV rom-com that her mother and sister were fond of watching. All the same, Alice and Frank were clearly perfect for each other. Thoughts on Alice and Frank turned Lily's attention to her own coupling with James.

She had been dating James since last winter and it had been fun—a lot of fun actually—especially when it was just the two of them, but now with only a few months till graduation, Lily wondered if 'fun' was enough. After school they would be adults. If James were to propose to her, Lily wasn't sure what her response would be. On one hand, she could imagine herself married—it used to be a childhood fantasy of hers—and James certainly was the only man who had successfully captured her heart. On the other hand, however, life wasn't a fairy tail. In fact, it felt more like moist sand on the beach, always very nearly being over-washed by the sea.

The truth was Lily had no idea where she was going or where life was taking her. She had experienced nothing but six years of her gloating peers—who were fortunate to be born into wizarding families—already talking about the networks they inherited from their parents and the jobs that were theirs in every way but documented paperwork which would come soon enough. And if competitive worries of getting a job post-graduation hadn't stressed her out enough, she had read in the prophet about increasing attacks on muggles and muggleborns; the prophet couldn't get enough of the masked men who had taken to vandalizing and assaulting the property and persons of muggleborns.

With all these events, Lily didn’t really know where her place was. She supposed right now it was simply to finish school, but the impending future still frightened her. Lily felt too young at seventeen.

“So this is where you’re hiding?” A familiar voice said. Lily looked to the entrance of her cabin and saw the object of her thoughts smiling at her.

“James!” She smiled. James looked young and unruffled, which Lily allowed to wash over her. She stood up and hugged him. Over his shoulder she saw the remaining Marauders. Sirius smirked awfully at her while Remus gave her a decidedly friendlier smile. Peter wormed his way between them and gave her an energetic wave and eagerly grabbed the window seat opposite her.

“The last three months have been so slow without you,” She said quietly to James as she stood away. She let the Marauders pack away their luggage in the overhead compartments.

“I’ve missed you too,” He said and sat beside her on the bench. “It would’ve been nice to spend time with you without the pressure of school or you threatening me with detention.”

“Oh, you mean you don’t find that attractive?” she asked jokingly. She was eager for the jokes to begin so she could cleanse herself from her dark thoughts of earlier. “Everything I’ve ever known about men has been a lie.”

James smiled and leaned into kiss Lily’s cheek but Peter’s snickers distracted her and he ended up nosing her jaw. She sent James an apologetic look but he was distracted by smacking Peter aside the head.

“Alright, you two keep the public displays to a minimum,” Sirius snapped as he collapsed beside James in the cabin causing James to press further into her to accommodate him. Remus and Peter took the seat across from them. “I don’t need to lose my breakfast.”

James gave Sirius a glare and wrapped an arm around Lily.

“Leave them alone, Padfoot,” Remus laughed. “They haven’t seen each other all summer.”

“That’s right,” James said. “Lily, I assume you’ve been made head girl?”

“Was there ever any doubt?” Lily asked. She gave them a proud smile and pulled her badge from her pocket. “That means Alice is going to be all alone in the girls’ seventh year dorm. I bet she’s happy. What about you, Remus?”

Remus gave his friends a look and shook his head. “I didn’t get the letter, no.” He folded his hands in his lap and shrugged his shoulders. “Which is alright. I can continue to ‘not’ give my friends detentions.”

“Yeah, you’re really good at that,” Sirius agreed.

“Well, if it’s not you, I can’t imagine who the honor would go to,” Lily said, pondering.

“That would be me,” James said.

Lily gave him a confused look. James pulled his arms away from her and reached into his pocket and showed her his head boy badge.

“No way,” Lily cried and grabbed his badge. “How is this possible? You’re not even a prefect.”

James shrugged. “Dumbledore must have faith in me.”

“Or he really has lost his mind?” Sirius quipped. “I can’t imagine a worse choice than you.”

Lily nodded in agreement though she was sterner than Sirius was in making that statement.

“Hey,” James cried. “Have you no faith, any of you?”

“Well, this year will certainly be interesting,” Peter said.

“No it won’t,” Lily said and leveled James with a serious look. “James, being head boy is a lot of responsibility.”

“You sound like my mother,” James said and Sirius snickered.

Lily sighed. James smiled at her and pulled her into his body and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. He turned the conversation over to Sirius, and Lily allowed her thoughts to drift over what a potentially terrible decision Professor Dumbledore might have made.

Eventually everyone had to get changed into their uniforms. Lily happily pinned her head girl badge to her chest and sent a nervous glance at James as he wore his proudly on his chest as well. She did have to wonder what Dumbledore hoped to achieve with this move. Eventually the two of them and Remus had to make their way to the prefect cabin to introduce themselves.

 

 

 

James could tell that Lily was still unsure about him becoming head boy. He was actually surprised about how well she responded to his new position but still the trepidation that Dumbledore had trusted him with responsibility was there. Sirius had initially thought that Remus had sent the letter as a joke. James’ mother actually had to floo professor Dumbledore to confirm that it was legitimate. Apparently she didn’t believe he could become Head Boy, either.

He had felt confident that Lily would be head girl but it reassured him that to see that badge pinned to her chest. He had never been to a prefect meeting so he followed Lily and Remus as they led the way. In the cabin he saw a few familiar faces, mostly as people who have given him detentions in the past.

“This isn’t show-and-tell, Evans,” A Slytherin sneered. “You should have left your ‘girlfriend’ with your luggage.”

“Back off, MacNair,” James snapped, irritated at being called Lily’s girlfriend. He crossed his arms and glared at the offending Slytherin. “And that’s your Head Boy you’re insulting.”

“You’re joking, right?’ A perturbed Ravenclaw asked. James recognized him as Robert Doyle who was an overachiever of the worse sort. James never liked him, especially since Doyle had gone on a date with Lily back in fifth year. James could be a retroactive over-protective boyfriend at odd times of the day.

“I have the badge don’t I?” James tugged on the Head Boy badge pinned to his chest.

“He’s telling the truth,” Lily sighed. She tugged James down onto the bench. She barely heard the snide comment made by the Slytherin prefect: “I would rather have Potter be the head girl than the mudblood.” Lily wasn’t looking so she missed the person who chuckled.

James however glared at them and squeezed his wand. He was prepared to jinx the two in front of everyone but Remus held his wand arm back.

“Not here,” He mumbled. He raised an eyebrow and James nodded. Not now, but later. James could play the good head boy, for now.

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road," Lily began.

 

 

 

The rest of the train ride sped by with the prefects taking shifts and maintaining behavior on the train. Lily and James went first and after an hour they were able to retire back in their cabin with Sirius and Peter. The other two were playing fizzing whizbees and being generally obnoxious and loud about it.

Lily had wanted to give them a detention but James stopped her, claiming they weren’t on duty anymore.

“As a prefect, we’re always on duty,” She said. He just shrugged and then joined the next round. Lily crossed her arms in disapproval but made no further comment.

The rest of the train ride went by as smoothly as expected when sharing a compartment with the Marauders. The five of them stayed in their compartment and snacked on the piles of junk food James had bought. A few students stopped by to talk and steal some of their treats which spawned a short-lived prank war with Sirius and James against two younger years. Eventually after everyone had calmed down the looming shape of Hogwarts appeared out their window and the appreciation that this was their last train ride to Hogwarts sobered everyone.

Upon entering the Great Hall, they nostalgically sat through their last sorting ceremony and listened to Dumbledore give another ridiculous speech (“Flim, Flesher, Whombsberry…. And don’t forget that the forbidden forest is, well, forbidden.”).

With those words of wisdom, Dumbledore sat down, and Lily excitedly dug into the feast that magically appeared before them. She found herself sitting with the Marauders which became some sort of habit last year after she and James officially rekindled their relationship. She looked down the table to her friend and once roommate, Alice, who was sitting with her fiancé, Frank Longbottom.

Lily turned away when Alice wiped Frank’s face after he took a particularly messy bite of some sort of gravy dish. Alice was ridiculous in her demonstrations with Frank. Alice was a bit of ridiculous person as she preferred to behave a little over the top in everything that she did, but Lily could tell that the two were head over heels in love. She took a moment to watch the Marauders. They were all eagerly eating and Lily couldn’t imagine cleaning James’ face like Alice did. Did that make her a bad girlfriend?

She felt a bit despondent and mad at herself for thinking such things. This was the welcoming feast. With her head girl duties, N.E.W.T.S, and impending graduation, the welcoming feast might be her last chance at joy.

 

 

 

Lily and James didn’t have to worry about leading their house to the Gryffindor dorm. Remus was given the password and with help of the newly established fifth year prefects. Lily and James, however, followed professor McGonagall to portrait of fat man and a zebra which was down a usually abandoned corridor. James sent Lily an eager look as Professor McGonagall explained that the password would change weekly and that one of them would be responsible to finding her and resetting the password.

Lily tried her best to listen to their head of house but James was making it difficult. He had grabbed her hand, which she hadn’t minded but at some point his hand crept up to her wrist and one of his fingers was massaging her palm. She sent him a flustered look that just made him smile.

“And do I make myself clear?” Professor McGonagall asked. She sent a glare at the two of them but it was noticeably more heated for James.

Their professor eventually left and James turned to Lily. He held out his arms. “I think I’m supposed to carry you through the door.”

Lily laughed and smacked his arms away. “Not so fast, Potter.”

She moved out of his range but kept a grip on his hand and entered their new private dormitory. Their private common room was very nice and circular with cream wallpaper and a brick fireplace that was already lit and serving as their only source of light other than the few windows that were high on the wall and out of their viewing range. She looked behind her and saw that they had two stair cases that winded around the room going in opposite directions to their bedrooms. In the middle of the room was a couch and a love seat facing the fireplace.

“I guess our rooms are up there,” Lily gestured to the stairs and made a move to head up there but James tugged her close.

“Hold on,” James said.

Lily blushed but felt a smile stretch across her face. She pressed her face against his neck until he began to lean back.

“I didn’t get to kiss you properly no thanks to Peter, and I’m feeling a bit depraved,” James leaned in and Lily felt their lips meet. She closed her eyes briefly and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

“I really missed you,” Lily mumbled.

“At least summer is over,” James said. “I don’t think I could have lasted another minute without seeing you. And now we’re Heads together.”

“You better pull your weight,” She teased. She pushed away from James and sat down on the couch by the fireplace.

“Of course, I’ll stay up late and do rounds with you. I’ll eagerly participate in our very private one on one meetings—”

“Oh, shush,” Lily giggled. James sat beside Lily and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"We have our own space," he said.

"I know," Lily said softly, her attention focused on his warmth.

"We could be doing a hell of a lot more than kissing."

Lily blushed and James kissed her cheek.

"It's our first day back," she said.

"All the more reason—"

"No," Lily said, blushing furiously. "Let's just talk instead."

"Talking won't keep us warm at night," he grumbled.

"Shush," Lily giggled. “How was your summer?” Lily asked quietly feeling comfortable and warm.

James groaned loudly but Lily could tell he was exaggerating. “Weird. My parents, well, it could’ve gone worse.”

“Really?” Lily asked. “Can’t be worse than my family.” Lily had told James all about Petunia and her knew obnoxious boyfriend who’s most interesting trait was that he sold drills. Lily had to let that sink in after meeting him. She deplored her sister’s taste in men.

“Well, I acknowledge your bratty sister and raise you one very antiquated mother. I’ve told you about my mum, haven't I?” James said. “She was really supportive over Christmas break last year, but she got all strange this summer. I think it finally hit her that she doesn't have a daughter. She’s trying to change gears but then she’ll start crying intermittently while going through my old stuff. She’s cataloged everything. She has this little white dress that I wore for graduation ceremony of my finishing school. It’s tiny and has food stains—”

“Aw,” Lily cooed trying to imagine a young James.

“Uh, yeah,” James blushed. “She made me sit down with her and she shared every memory she had of me.”

Lily nodded sympathetically. “What about your father?”

“He’s, well...” James scrunched his face up as he tried to find the words to describe his father. “He’s trying. He brought me to work with him and he’s building up my network at the ministry.”

“He never did that before?”

James shrugged. "Never thought he needed to." He gave her a brittle smile. Lily felt bad for James just then. Lily never once doubted she would have a job in the work force. It was just a matter of figuring out which one first. James, however, was raised to believe he would be a trophy wife of sorts. His only job, to plan parties. It must have been a slap in the face or a relief to suddenly have options.

“What career do you want?” Lily asked. She rested her head in the palm of her hand as she watched James.

“I want to be an Auror,” James said. “I always have. My father was one when he was younger. He use to tell me all sorts of stories. What about you? Have you thought about it more?”

Lily shrugged. “I honestly have no clue.”

“It’ll come to you.” James kissed her temple.

Lily gave him a weak smile though her stomach felt like jelly.

 

 

 

Another prefect meeting was held the next day early in the morning. Lily had to wake James up and then throw his clothes at him.

“I’m not your mother, Potter, I’m also not going to brush your teeth for you,” Lily said and James moaned in response. “C’mon, Potter.”

Ten minutes later, James came down, dressed in his uniform with his head badge proudly pinned to his chest. He adjusted it and gave her a quick smile.

“You look dashing,” She said.

“I look responsible,” He corrected. “I’m ready to make rules and hand out detentions.”

“Just think of it as practice for your future career as an Auror.”

James swept her into a hug. “Can’t wait. Hey, do we get breakfast first?”

Lily shook her head. “No we’ll eat with everyone afterwards, and just so you know we’re late.”

They walked out towards a nearly empty classroom that was designated for their monthly meetings. A few prefects were already there waiting for them but most were not.

“Where is everyone,” Lily sighed. She walked into the room and began to charm chairs in a circle. “If we push the meeting back, we’re going to miss breakfast.”

“They’re probably already at breakfast,” James suggested.

Lily grunted. “Breakfast hasn’t even started.” She stormed to the classroom entrance where the other prefects were milling about just as Remus popped up carrying something wrapped in clothed napkins.

“I come bearing gifts,” He said and held his bundle to James. “Took a detour to the kitchens.”

“Oh, yum,” James said and unwrapped a blueberry muffin. Remus had obviously swiped them from the kitchens.

“I see Lily is in her prime,” Remus observed as Lily rounded everyone up and led them into the room.

“Yeah, an entire summer break without taking points or giving out detentions,” James said, “She’s clearly deprived.”

“Alright everyone!” Lily said. “Here’s how we’re going to do this year.”

Lily laid out the prefect schedule for rounds, which caused fights among the students who didn't like their schedules or their partners.

In the end, they missed breakfast and Lily found herself indebted to Remus who shared his muffin with her. Lily ended up going to her next class which was runes with a half satisfied stomach, and James had to leave her for divination.

In the hallway outside the classroom, she ran into Alice who was still glowing with her engagement ring grabbing the attention of their peers.

“I still can’t believe this is happening,” Alice said. “I mean I knew it was coming, our parents have been talking about this for a while, but I mean, now it’s official.”

“Your summer break must have been fascinating,” Lily said.

“Yes, well, wedding plans are going to be underway over winter break,” Alice explained, “We’re aiming for an early summer wedding.”

“Sounds lovely,” Lily pulled out her textbook and flipped a couple of pages.

“What about you?” Alice asked, her eyes admiring her ring.

“Hmm?”

“Any wedding bells in your future?”

“Hmm…er,” Lily blushed. “I don’t think so.”

“And why not?” Alice asked. “I mean you’ve been with James since last winter break, you’re not considering breaking up with him, are you?"

Lily blushed. “It’s a little sudden, don’t you think.”

“Lily, James is a pureblood, and one who was raised like a pureblood girl,” Alice explained. “He’s been conditioned to marry young. I mean, this time last year, he was fending off potential husbands. And look at Frank and I, the discussion of our potential union began only two months after we began dating.

“Well I’m not a pureblood,” Lily snapped. “And James knows I'm not ready to marry. We’ve been taking it very slow.”

“How slow?” Alice asked. “He’s practically an octopus, he’s all over you.”

Lily blushed and looked down. “I just want to take my time.”

“Well, that’s your decision,” Alice sighed.

“Yes it is,” Lily snapped. Alice tutted but said no more.

 

 

 

Lily’s next class was Defense Against the Dark Arts. Lily had always liked the class because some of the spells were so much fun to cast but with the current events, Lily had begun to read articles in the Daily Prophet that talked about these spells being used to defend and attack muggleborns like herself. It definitely put a damper on the class for her. She took her seat next to James who was eagerly flipping through the pages of his text book.

“This is going to be a good year,” He said to her. “We’re going to learn the best spells for our N.E.W.T.S.”

Lily supposed he should be excited as he had stated numerous times before that he wanted to become an Auror after school. If not for the fact he was brilliant at transfiguration, Lily imagined this would be his best class.

She nodded to his assessment and decided she should make the most of the class and not let the horrific attacks outside of school ruin her educational experience. No one in this school would ever attack another student so viciously in the first place. At least not under the teacher’s watchful eyes and risk getting expelled.

They had a new teacher and he swept in with a dramatic flare. Lily was sad to see the previous teacher, Monsieur Denier, who had previously been a teacher at Beauxbaton and apparently retired after one year at Hogwarts. She had liked him because she had thought he did a good job delving into the subject matter. She also liked that he hadn't been a Hogwarts student and therefore had no biases towards any of the students based on their house.

Their new teacher introduced himself as Professor Podgno and he apparently spent five years studying defensive magic in South Africa. His worldly experience intrigued the class and Lily smiled as James sat up straighter in his chair.

“Alright, Class,” He clapped his hands. “I’m going to start us off with a scary but fun assignment. Just for today we will be studying boggarts!”

“Professor, we already learned about them for our O.W.L.S.” A Ravenclaw in their class explained. “As well as the riddikulus spell.”

“That’s very good,” The teacher said. “I shan’t waste my time on that than. But I had in mind something a little bit different.”

He had the class split up into four groups and line up near a corner in the classroom. It was very obvious where this was going. There were four dressers and cabinets in the room and Lily watched as the one near her shook. She looked behind her to James who didn’t look as excited anymore. Lily tried to remember what James’ boggart in their fifth year was but couldn’t seem to remember. Her own boggart had been herself lying wet on the floor, swollen with water pouring from her mouth. She had drowned. Her riddikulus had turned her into a duck and she remembered it flapping its wings excitedly in a decidedly very small puddle.

“Hopefully, while you were enjoying your summer holiday, you kept in mind that you were entering your N.E.W.T. year. We’ll dive into more appropriate subject material next class, today, I just want to losen you up. I so teach defensive magic so I want to see you in a defensive position. I want you to react naturally with your spells, not spell du jour. So really pull from all your knowledge get creative.”

The class responded with half attempted whispers and a fervor of excitement. The students first in their queues stepped forward to open their wardrobes.

Lily was sixth in the queue and when her turn came up, she stepped forward and watched as the boggart transformed into a copy of her. Her doppledanger was actually a corpse—drowned and dead lying before her just as it had been the last time in fifth year. Behind her, she heard James gasp. She fought to not glance back at him and instead focused on the task at hand, though it was fully disturbing and she didn't want to think of herself like this, even though this fear drew from real life events. She thought of the silliest spell she could think of but instead thought of her many failed attempts at magic. She aimed her wand and watched as her body turned into a misshapen surfboard with her face still visible but open and staring wide-eyed at the ceiling.

The people in her group chuckled, a few even giving gross commentary of her mutilated-misshapen copy. James stepped up beside her and cast another transfiguration spell and the poorly transformed surfboard transformed into rubber bathroom-toy in the shape of a boat. Decidedly less weird than her failed attempt at transfiguration.

“Very good you two. Human transformation, most impressive,” Their teacher said. He made his way over to their side of the room. “Mister Potter it’s your turn.”

James gave a grim nod but didn't move forward right away. He looked like he was preparing himself which surprised Lily. She had thought he would have been excited about this project. James didn't shake easily. However, someone whispered loudly in another group: "It's probably 'Her' true self."

"Dyke," another whispered.

Lily clenched her fist when she saw James stiffen. She sent the student who had spoken a harsh glare and a mental promise to take away points. However James never stepped closer to the creature and was audibly relieved when Sirius shouted across the classroom that their time was up.

"Alright, not every student got to participate, but for the next few weeks, I'll keep one boggart in my office if anyone wants to practice. Next class, we will begin on complex dueling spells. I hope you were all taught basic spells previously,” he looked at the student had mentioned fifth year O.W.L.S. And got a simple nod.

As they began to pack up, Lily reached out and squeezed James’ hand. “Are you alright?” She asked. James seemed to pull himself together to give her a smile but she could see the strain in his eyes.

“I just don’t ever want to see you like that,” He explained referring to her boggart and while Lily could believe that to be true, she knew he was holding back something else.

Lily nodded and decided to let it go. “Well, I don’t ever want to be like that,” She said. She reached for his hand and gave a comforting squeeze. “Come on. Let’s go to our next class.”

 

 

 

They had charms next which lightened both of their moods. Lily was good at charms and took her time showing off with their first day assignment and laughing at Alice’s poor attempts. Alice could be quite brilliant but it always amazed Lily just how bad her friend was at what Lily considered her favorite subject.

She turned around at her desk and saw James and Sirius goofing off with charms that were not assigned. He seemed back to normal and when he caught her staring he winked at her.

Their next class was potions, which upon entering and seeing Severus already sitting at a desk, she rested her hand on James' elbow.

"I'm going to sit with Sev," she said.

"But we make a good duo," he whined.

"I know, I'll still help you out, it's just this is my only class with him," she said and began to move towards Sev. Her relationship with Severus was in a delicate state these past few years. In fifth year, it had almost ended when he called her a mudblood and, by in large, James had played a huge roll in that fiasco. Lily held off on forgiving Severus for months until their fist week home that summer, in which he cornered her and reminded her so much of that lonely little boy she met many summers ago. Of course in their sixth year, their friendship had become strained over James once again. It hurt Lily that her choice in partners caused Severus so much angst, but she couldn't help how she felt about James and honestly, she was tired of the tug of war that both put her in. However, she hadn’t seen much of Severus over the summer, they spent the first two weeks trying to mend their relationship, but then he flooed away for the entire break without a word to Lily.

“Hello, Sev,” She said and tried to smiled at him. She was still a little hurt by everything but was always willing to forgive him.

He gave her a guarded look. “So we’re still talking?”

“Yes,” Lily sighed, her smile disappearing. “Why wouldn’t we talk?”

She had hoped he wouldn't have been so difficult but everything between them was becoming so strained.

Severus shrugged and looked to the door, “Wouldn’t you rather sit with them?”

Lily turned to the back of the classroom where the marauders were sitting and laughing loudly at something peter had done. James caught her eye sent her a wounded look. Lily gave him a wide-eyed stare but then turned back to Severus.

“James is my boyfriend,” Lily ignored Severus’ dismissive snort. “But I’m allowed to spend time with my friends just like he is.”

“James isn’t a real boy,” He mumbled. Lily wasn't sure if she was meant to hear it. She bit the inside of her cheek and tried to tell herself little comments like that weren’t worth it—she knew who James was and that was enough—though the amount she was hearing was certainly taking its toll. Severus had already ranted at her about James' gender all last year but now he seemed to have lost steam, although not his grip on that particular topic.

Slughorn came in and made some announcements. Most were of Slugclub meeting times; Lily internally rolled her eyes and then tuned back in take some quick notes on their next assignment.

“Let’s not argue about this, Sev,” Lily said. “You’re my friend, and I would like to remain friends. Don’t you?”

Severus grumbled. “I do, it’s just painful watching that twat take advantage of you.” He glared over at James.

“That ‘twat’ is my boyfriend." Severus opened his mouth to argue but Lily cut him off, "Let’s focus on this potion, shall we,” Lily said and left to get ingredients from the cupboard. She felt someone nudge her back and when she turned she saw James.

“Hello,” He whispered at her.

“James,” She said. Her hands were full and so she couldn’t swat him when his hands got a little too friendly. “James,” She half whispered, half growled. Honestly, this boy.

“You didn't give me a chance to respond. We're not potion partners anymore? Ever? I’ve been downgraded?” He asked. He picked out ingredients from cupboards and let people pass him as they returned to their stations.

“You’re my boyfriend, I hardly consider that a downgrade,” Lily said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a potion to brew.”

She walked back to Severus who glared at her. Lily suddenly felt exhausted.

 

 

 

“All the more reason for you to be my potion partner,” James said. He had waited for Lily as she slowly took her time cleaning her work station. Severus had rushed out of the classroom with a glare at James, who fortunately kept his wand in his pocket. When she joined him in the hallway, he proceeded to list out reasons why they should be potions partners all the way to lunch.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Sirius asked as James sat down across from him at the Gryffindor table.

Lily glanced at Alice and Frank and saw once again that they were in their own little world. She squeezed in between James and another student and grabbed a biscuit to quickly stuff her mouth with. She was tired of having to justify either of her relationships to James and Severus.

“No, but you’re terrible at potions,” James said. “And Lily is the reason I passed last year.”

“I’m sorry, but I hardly get to see Sev anymore,” Lily explained after finishing her biscuit.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” James grumbled.

“Stop it,” She sighed.

“Aww, am I about to witness your first fight?” Sirius asked. He was enjoying this way too much. Lily didn’t pretend to know Sirius and James’ relationship too well. She had always thought they were best friends and around fourth year, rumors that they might be more started to crop up. Of course, at this time James had gone by Jasmine, and had long hair and wore the Hogwarts officiated uniform skirt and just in general looked like a girl. Clearly, that’s not the way it worked out.

James only gave Sirius an annoyed but friendly smile. “No, of course not. We never fight; we’re perfectly made for each other, right, Lily-Bug?”

“Hrrrng?” Lily moaned.

“She’s not even listening to me,” James despaired dramatically.

“Honeymoon phase is over,” Sirius joked.

“Honeymoon?” Lily despaired even more.

“Sirius, Leave them alone,” Remus said. He sat down beside Sirius and began to fill his plate up. “I left Peter in the library, he’s searching for a book on the Ogre rampage of 1123 but I don’t know how much luck he’ll find there.”

“Why’s he so curious about ogres?” James asked.

“Maybe he’s mapping out his family tree?” Sirius suggested.

“Be nice, Padfoot,” Remus said but he smiled.

“Then there’s a good chance he’ll find you on there,” James quipped.

Lily smiled fondly at them and felt herself relax a bit. She had never taken the time to appreciate the camaraderie of the Marauders or even their steadfast friendship. Sirius and James might’ve fallen apart last year, but Lily was happy to see them get along still now.

James glanced over at Lily and saw her smiling at them. Her red hair was down and a little frizzy from potion fumes but she still looked lovely. In that moment, though James had been thinking about this for a while, he decided he was going to marry that girl.

 

 

 

“I sent James out on rounds, though I suspect he’ll cut it short and enjoy some time with the Marauders,” Lily explained as she brought Alice to the Head rooms.

“Nice place,” Alice observed.

“Yes, nice and quiet,” Lily explained.

“You know, it’s like you two are playing house,” Alice said. She sat down on a couch and dropped her books beside her. “You two get your own little place. I hate you.”

Lily chuckled. “Don’t even. He stays in his room and I stay in mine, and besides, we’ll probably still spend most of our time in the Gryffindor commons, its where all our friends are.”

“Uhuh,” Alice sighed. “Maybe we can trade. I’d love a morning free of Sirius mocking my hair curlers. He’s such an uncouth Neanderthal.”

“I don’t think it’s fair to fault him for not understanding the finer art of muggle hair curlers.” Lily pulled out her charms book and flipped a couple pages. “Advance wand work…”

“Boring,” Alice sang. “I can’t wait to graduate and move on with my life.”

“Yeah…” Lily sighed. “But won’t you miss it here?”

Alice shrugged. “I suppose, but I’m ready to find my own little place and this school is too crowded.”

“It’s not that bad, you do have the 7th year girls’ dorm alone,” Lily said.

“Yes, that I do,” Alice grinned. “Weird how that happened, huh? I guess I do miss you as a roommate, despite your god-awful bedtime and Jasm—well, I guess I miss the way it was before.”

“You miss Jasmine?” Lily asked surprised.

'Jasmine' was not a name that was heard much anymore; though some nasty words were thrown around by bitter peers, but Lily found herself thinking of James' long haired form every once in a while. Sometimes it was a fleeting thought or a nostalgic memory whipped up. Lily had come to terms with who her boyfriend was but sometimes, it felt like he and Jasmine truly were separate people.

“Did you prefer Jasmine?” She asked curiously.

Alice shrugged. “Maybe, but I suppose mostly not. He was annoying before, more so than now at least, but I think he’s happier.” Alice winked at her.

“I agree,” Lily said distantly. Alice had used male pronouns even when using the Jasmine-name just now. Lily bit her lip to keep her face from splitting into a smile. James was much happier and even more comfortable with himself now that he could live his life the way he wanted.

“Don’t be so arrogant, Little Miss Potter,” Her friend cackled loudly.

“I didn’t mean…oh you’re so frustrating. You know exactly what I meant,” Lily laughed. “He’s just so much more comfortable with himself now.”

“You don’t think having a girlfriend is what makes him happy?” Alice said.

“I guess. But I don’t think he would’ve been truly happy until he was able to be himself fully,” Lily said.

Alice just watched her. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

Lily didn’t know how to answer that so she simply shrugged instead.

“Do you think we’re a good couple?” Lily asked, curious to her friend's opinion. Alice had seemingly switched between blasé and encouraging about it in the past.

“Don't you?”

Lily didn’t answer.

A couple hours later, Lily was saying goodbye to Alice. They had finished their charms essay and now Lily only had worry about studying for transfiguration. Transfiguration wasn’t Lily’s strongest subject but she suppose she could always ask James for help.

She stacked her books on her night stand. James still wasn’t back and it was almost curfew. Lily debated going out looking for him but then decided not to. It was only their second day of class, Let James blow off steam with his friends. She’d yell at him tomorrow anyway. She changed into her pajamas and fell into her pillows. She was dreaming about stags and spiders when she finally drifted to sleep.

 

 

 

The next day, James wasn’t in his room. Lily found that odd. Based on yesterday, he proved himself to be a late sleeper especially since he had a late night previously. She went to the great hall but James wasn’t there either. She looked to the Marauders and saw that Sirius, Remus, and Peter were already digging into scrambled eggs and toast.

“Have you guys seen James?” She asked as she sat down beside them.

“No,” Sirius said. “Is he just sleeping in?”

Lily shook her head. “He never came back from his head boy shift last night?” She took in their worrying faces. “I had assumed he stayed late with you. But he’s not in his room.”

Sirius and Remus shared a look. Peter looked nervously between them.

“Hey guys, should we use the-you-know-what?” He asked

“Yeah,” Sirius lowered his fork and began to stand up. “I’m sure he’s just planning something. Maybe he’s in the kitchens.”

Lily hoped he was right. She followed the three boys to the Gryffindor Tower and then entered the boy’s dorm with them. She ignored the annoyed look Sirius gave her.

“Can you wait outside, Lily?” He asked.

“Just get the map out, Black,” She snapped, knowing already about the Marauder's map.

“He already told you about it?” He grunted unappreciatively.

“Yeah he did,” Lily glared at him and then at Remus and Peter as well for no reason other than she was angry. “Now go find him.”

Sirius didn’t say anything but pulled out a worn sheet of parchment. The three boys unfolded it and held on to a corner so that the map was stretched out before them. Words began to appear in the center and Lily’s eyes widened.

'Mr. Padfoot would like to say he does not appreciate the morning wake up call. Come back in four point five hours after proper rejuvenation.'

“Mr. Padfoot?” Lily read aloud.

'Mr. Prongs would like to say that the lovely Lady’s face is a welcome wakeup call and would remind Mr. Padfoot to shut up.'

Lily couldn't help but laugh despite her worry. Those were James' words alright. She shot a smile at the boys at their invention.

“Impressed?” Sirius smirked

“We made this a few years ago. Excuse its juvenile behavior,” Remus said, though Lily could tell he, like Sirius, was very proud of this creation.

“I honestly can’t tell the difference,” She said and Remus barked a laugh.

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah,” Sirius mumbled and then cleared his throat. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

The swirly writing of Mr. Prongs and Mr. Padfoot disappeared as spidery lines appeared and then Lily realized she was looking at a map of the school infinitely more detailed than she had been expecting.

“This is amazing,” She said softly. “This is how you guys get around without getting caught?”

Remus nodded and Sirius just looked petulantly at the paper. Lily gave Sirius an unflattering look then smiled at Peter who was the only one paying attention to her.

“There he is,” Sirius said. They all leaned over to look where his finger was resting on the map.

“James Catharine Potter…” Sirius trailed off amused. James forgot to change his middle name. “Moony, take a snapshot.”

Lily ignored Sirius’ gibbering and looked at the dot. It was located in an empty classroom near the 2nd floor. That hallway was popular as it led to the potions rooms, Slytherin dungeons, and the hall to the kitchens. It was very crowded and after hours there were usually students still wondering around at night.

“Hey guys,” She said. “He’s not moving…Maybe he’s taking a nap?” She said unsurely but when she looked at the boys she saw they had a worried expression.

Without a word they all took off towards the empty classroom.

 

 

 

Lily was not as fast as the boys and they reached the room before her. They burst in first and Lily nearly crashed into Peter when she got there. She couldn’t see James when she got her bearings but then noticed Sirius was crouching behind the teacher’s desk. She walked around Peter as the four them gathered around.

James’ shoe became visible then the rest of his body.

“Oh, Merlin,” She cried out and covered her mouth.

James was unconscious. His eyes were closed and one in particular was looking fairly purple. One of his ankles was swollen and he seemed battered and bruised in general. His clothes were dirty as well. He looked so very pale, frighteningly so.

As Lily knelt beside him, she noticed he had caked blood near his scalp.

“James?” She whispered. “James?” She reached for his hand with one and used her other hand to rest on cheek. “James…Who did…?”

“Alright,” Remus said and lifted Lily by her armpits and directed her into Peter’s arms. “I’m going to levitate him so stand back.”

They watched as Remus’ steady magic washed over James and he was levitated off the ground. Lily cringed at his limp, battered body floated three feet above the ground. His tie was loosely wrapped and eventually fell to the floor. As Remus began to the lead the body out, Lily knelt to the floor and picked up his tie. She stood up and turned to follow the boys when she realized that Sirius was watching her by the doorway. She squeezed the tie and lowered her eyes as she began to move.

The group managed to get to the Hospital wing before the Great hall could release for classes but that didn’t prevent a few stragglers late for breakfast to catch a glimpse of them as they made their way through the castle.

Lily didn’t like the way they stared and pointed. James was hurt and the greatest emotion they could bring forth was the same that anyone could experience at a freak show carnival. Couldn’t they just stop….staring?

They made it to the hospital wing and Peter quickly held the door open and called for Madame Pomfrey. The older woman came out and saw the floating body and quickly kicked into gear. She then had Remus lower James onto a bed. She quickly set about casting diagnostic spells

She clucked her tongue and then sighed. "Alright, I need you four to clear out while I work and..." She observed the four stoic students and decided on Remus who seemed the most level headed at the moment. "Mr. Lupin, I need you to go to the headmaster's office and gather him for me. I think he should be made aware of these events. And collect Professor McGonagall as well will you."

Remus nodded and sent a worried look at James before leaving the office. Lily and Sirius were less kind about leaving.

"You three need to leave," she said to Lily, Sirius, and Peter. "I need to work and you lot are in my way."

"Madame..." Lily tried to bargain.

"Out."

Lily backed up and shared a wide eyed look with Sirius. Lily very much wanted to stay but it looked like they would only be wasting Madame Pomfrey’s time and attention. She hung her head and turned around to left the wing her thoughts solely focused on James. Peter went with her and after a moment where she stood in the Hallway, Sirius joined them.

 

 

 

Lily and Sirius ended up waiting outside the hospital wing when Remus returned with Dumbledore and McGonagall. The two teachers entered, sparing a brief look with the teens.

"How is he?" Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged.

"She won't let us in," Lily explained.

Remus nodded and sat down beside Peter who had been sitting a bit away from the two. Remus could understand. Lily had just found her boyfriend bleeding from a wound that wasn’t healing and Sirius's feelings for James were a bit more complex than Peter's.

"He'll be fine," Remus said soothingly. "We've got the best working on him."

"Doesn't help when whoever did this is still walking around." Sirius said. "They could have killed him."

Lily nodded. She was unsettled seeing him deathly pale, somehow incapable of helping himself. Her thoughts drifted to when he had saved her from the acromantulas, determined and fast acting: A Pillar of strength.

The four of them sat in silence for another half hour when the entrance to the hospital wing opened and out poured the staff.

"Ah, Mr. Black, Lupin and Pettigrw and of course miss Evans. Mr. Potter is awake if you'd like to badger Madame Pomfrey for a visit?" McGonagall said briskly. She gestured to the doors she just exited.

The four teens stood up eagerly. Lily dusted off her bottom and adjusted her skirt. She trooped in after the boys and hung back as they crowded James' bed. He was awake, thankfully. His scalp was wrapped and he still seemed a bit pale, but he was awake.

"Hey, Padfoot," James greeted. "Moony, Wormtail."

"James, you look like shit," Sirius said. He had taken the liberty of sitting on James bed.

"Which is still better looking than you," James joked with a tired voice. Sirius barked out a laugh and Lily finally came closer to James’ side. Remus gave her a supportive smile which made Lily realize that she was shaking.

She stepped forward and James caught sight of her. Remus stepped back so that Lily could take his place. James seemed surprised to see her which she didn't understand but after an awkward pause he gave her smile which she realized was just as fake as it was yesterday in their DADA class.

"This is really embarrassing," he sighed. Lily reached out and grabbed his hand. When she glanced up she saw that Sirius was watching them. She glanced back at James who was staring at his lap.

"I can't believe I let someone get the jump on me," he mumbled. She squeezed his hand before he finally squeezed back. "They weren't that impressive, despite the head wound." He made a face and rubbed the bandages at his hair line.

"Who was it, James?" She asked. He gave her a quick glance then steeled himself as he gazed at her longer. His face was hiding something as he gave her a warm smile.

"Don't worry about it, Lily," he said. "It was just a bunch of kids. I'll take care of them once I'm out."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. "Take care of them? James, we need to tell professor McGonagall."

"Relax, Lily," Sirius cut in. He leaned in closer to the bed. "Those 'kids' were off with their wand work, so the Marauders will teach them a lesson."

James smiled at him. "Of course we will."

 

 

 

After dinner, Lily found herself making her way to the infirmary. The marauders had visited after lunch and Lily, wanting to avoid the tension with Sirius, decided to let them have their privacy and take her own time with him in the evening. Also, out of all of them, she was the most likely to give James his assignments.

“Lily-bug,” He greeted when he saw her enter.

”That’s a new one,” She said. She stacked his textbooks on the bedside table and took the lone chair beside him.

“You brought me my homework? You shouldn’t have,” James said from his bed.

Lily turned and smiled at him. “My treat,” She said. She leaned over and kissed him. “It’s really only your Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions work, the rest I figured you’d have no problem catching up on.”

“Thanks,” He mumbled.

Lily thought James was looking better, though he was still a bit ashen from his blood loss. He was still wearing a bandage over his forehead and his hair was poking out strangely and endearingly. Lily instinctively reached out and tried to flatten it and James relaxed into her touch.

“It’s not going to help,” He said.

“You look ridiculous,” She laughed.

“Now you’re making me self-conscious,” He said.

“It’s always about you,” She joked.

“You’re not nearly as gentle as you think you are.”

Lily lowered her hand but James caught it. “It’s okay,” He said. Lily’s hand went back to his hair.

They lapsed into silence and Lily’s mind drifted to the fact James had been attacked and hospitalized. She shivered. James was a pillar of strength. He was unfazed on most topics and even opening himself up about being transgender and regarding their relationship, James had been the brave one not her.

James wasn’t the nicest of people, certainly. He was capable of making enemies and fostering malicious feelings in others, but no one had ever toppled him like this. She wishes she could understand what happened.

“You’re thinking too loudly,” He said.

“Sorry,” She said. “I just hate seeing you in here.”

James slid over and patted the open space beside him on his bed. “C’mon, hop on.”

Lily shook her head. “James, you need to talk to McGonagall.”

“Lily, no. I said I could take care of it,” He said. He gave up on encouraging her into his bed. “I’m head Boy, I don’t need their help.”

“Those students should be expelled,” She said.

He shrugged.

“James,” She groaned.

“Lily,” He groaned. “Let it go. I can handle it.

She shook her head. “James, you could have bled to death. I was so—It was scary to find you like that.”

He heaved his shoulders before loosening. “I’m alright, Lily. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“But—”

“Lily,” He said. “Just stop, alright. I'm going to take care of it.”

“Could you at least tell me what happened?”

“Just a couple of punks, don’t need a reason,” He responded quickly. Lily stared at him though he seemed determined to look straight ahead. “Look,” He sighed. “Thanks for bringing me my school work. I should probably get started on it.”

She sighed and stood up. “I’ll come by tomorrow, alright?”

He nodded. “Yeah, goodnight.”

Lily nodded and slowly left his side. When she was in the hallway, she leaned against the wall and fell to the floor.

 

 

 

James was let out of the hospital wing after a few days since his attack. Lily had visited him every evening and had heard Madame Pomfrey mumbling about the wound. She knew the spell was dark magic and the blood had kept coming. James was on a steady diet of blood replenishing potions until Madame Pomfrey had to force the skin to mend as his blood wouldn't coagulate.

Lily worried if James was injured again if he'd bleed to death since slowness to heal was due to his blood not coagulating, but Pomfrey had comforted her that it was only blood from the cursed wound. James was left with a scar but his hairline hid it.

She knew she should feel happy about his release but she felt something was still wrong with James. She had seen him more while struggling to find time to visit him in the hospital wing than now that he was released.

Of course he came to class but he no longer jumped to partner with her in potions instead opting to partner with Sirius with only silence in her direction. She had watched him carefully and watched as the two of them ignored Slughorn and whispering to each other with devious smiles. They were planning something. Lily wished he would just act like a head boy about the situation instead and give out a detention or turn to McGonagall. But mostly she wished he would look to her with the honest eyes like he used to before his attack.

Even so as they worked on their respective potions, Lily kept an eye on James to make sure he was doing well. Sirius had mumbled something to James which caused him to snicker. His eyes flittered to Slughorn but caught hers in the process. He sobered and elbowed Sirius. Sirius gave Lily a glance before smirking to himself and returning to the potion.

Lily turned back to her potion with a frown.

"Lily, stop," Severus snapped.

Lily gasped and removed her hands from the potion. It was beginning to boil. She had added too much hemlock. She stepped aside and let Severus add more nightshade to cool the potion down.

She sent him an apologetic look, but he simply scowled at her.

"Where is your head today, Evans?" he snapped.

"I'm sorry. I've just been distracted lately," she explained.

Severus sent a disgusted glare at James, already knowing where her mind would be, before continuing to work on the potion. Lily felt exasperated and tired at the Cold War between the two of them.

She sent a secretive glance at James and saw that he was watching them. He looked concerned for her which quietly gave her relief, so Lily sent him a small smile. He responded weakly before returning to his potion. She watched him a bit longer before turning back to her nearly destroyed potion and an agitated Severus as he tried to salvage it.

 

 

 

"What was that about?" James asked. He came up behind Lily as she was packing her bag.

She sighed. "I was distracted."

"That's never stopped you from brewing a perfect potion before." He said. Lily just shrugged, though she was relieved that James had noticed her today. "Was he bothering you?"

Lily shook her head. "Sev was great. He really came through with our potion."

James just snorted but she appreciated that he kept his mouth shut. She laced her fingers with his and they began to walk out of the classroom. They walked holding hands until the hallways became denser and James moved away from her.

As they approached the Great Hall, Lily noticed that James was frowning. She was about to ask him what was the matter when he stopped walking.

"What is it, James?" She asked.

"Hm? Oh, I just forgot Sirius and I were going to go study in the library."

"What about lunch?"

"Don’t worry about it. We’ll grab something from the kitchen." He said. He began to walk away and gave her a hasty goodbye over his shoulder.

Lily turned away, annoyed but determined not to be. James was allowed to hang out with his friends. He certainly had no obligation to invite her just like she had no obligation to invite James when she wanted to see Severus. A quick glance at the Slytherin table, she saw Sev sitting with Macnair and Avery.

She hadn’t felt so alone in a long time.

She found Alice sitting with Frank towards the end of the table. She sat heavily next to her friend and grabbed an apple.

"Hello, Alice, Frank," she greeted. "I haven't been able to see you two that often."

Alice was feeding Frank some pudding and seemed surprised by Lily's presence. "Oh, Lily!"

"Hey," she said casually.

Frank wiped his face before nodding at her. "Hello, Lily."

Alice stopped feeding Frank for Lily's sake but she could also tell that they wanted her to go away so that they could go back to be ridiculously couple-like without her around.

Lily really needed more friends.

 

 

 

Lily didn't see James again until she returned to their rooms and she found him sitting on the couch doing homework. He glanced up when she entered and sent her a small smile. She smiled back and moved to sit next to him. She dropped her bag on the floor and collapsed onto the couch and gave out a big sigh.

"I don't know how to keep this up for the rest of the year," truthfully, her day hadn't been that bad, but James was sitting with his nose in a book looking entirely too focused and Lily wanted to steal his attention. "I feel like I'm about to collapse."

He glanced at her and smiled.

"I don't believe that," he said. He smiled and turned back to his book.

Lily frowned. She scooted closer till she was touching him. "I think I'll just take a nap." She rested her head against his shoulder and he stiffened. With a reaction like that, she expected him to pull away but he didn't. He stayed still till they were both uncomfortable.

"Are you alright?" She asked as she lifted her head. James's was staring down at his book but his eyes didn't seem to be taking in much.

"I'm fine," he said. "I'm just really focused."

Lily nodded.

"I’ll take a nap upstairs than," she got up from the couch and walked towards the staircase that led to her room. She took one last glance at James before disappearing.

 

 

 

The final moment that had frustrated Lily to no end, was doing her prefect rounds alone because James who was scheduled with her this evening had ditched off. She had barely seen the boy all day and he hadn't even written a note to explain his absence. She had to deal with a particularly threatening group of Slytherin seventh years that called her a mudblood to her face and a group of daring hufflepuffs who were practicing disarming spells on the suit of armors.

When she was returning to her private room she ran into Sirius.

"What are you doing here?" She asked. It was nearing curfew not that it ever bothered Sirius.

"Visiting with James," he said. "We were doing homework."

Lily frowned.

"Well, gotta go. See ya Evans," he said and began to walk past her.

"Wait, Sirius," she chased after him as he had tried to walk as quickly as he could to get away from her.

"What, Evans?" He asked giving her an annoyed looked as she grabbed his elbow.

"Was James with you all evening?" She asked, frowning.

"What about it? James doesn't need your permission or anything."

"He had prefect duties with me," she growled. "He promised he would be more responsible."

"Let it go, Evans. He just needs to blow off steam. You know he's had a tough week," he snapped.

Lily let go of Sirius' his elbow and crossed her arms.

"Is everything alright with him?" She asked him. "He seems a bit off since—"

"He seems alright to me," Sirius sighed. He began to walk backwards away from her. "The last thing he needs is you breathing down his neck. We were studying, being good school kids and all. That alright with you, Evans?"

Lily just glared at him. The two of them had never been exceptionally close but they always got on for James' sake. "You're an arse. I'm only worried about him," she snapped.

She didn't want to let him have the last word so she promptly turned around and stormed The rest of the journey to the private room.

 

 

 

James had stopped instigating touch with her. Maybe she was being crazy to count how many times James touched her first in the last day. But she had counted—Zero. She, on the other hand, touched him. She hugged him, kissed him, and tried to hold hands with him. He endured, tried to smile, but was seemingly uninterested. He made excuses to be with the Marauders more than not and Lily wondered what was going on. Was James no longer interested in a relationship with her? She's seen that happen to couples sometimes. Lily didn't date much so her experience with heartbreak was limited, but she thought it must've felt something like this.

She was waiting for him in their common room. He was out with Sirius again that night. Remus had prefect duty so she knew he wouldn't be there to wrangle James in if Sirius got a crazy idea in his head. She just hoped that for once they could keep their noses out of trouble and come back safely. After James’ injury, Lily feared what the students who had attacked him might do if they saw him walking around again. Or even what James might do. She remembered the threat that Sirius had made and James had readily agreed to, and while she wanted the students punished, she'd much rather James pass it off to a teacher. She was honestly unsettled by the whole situation.

She didn't like this side to him. She didn't like seeing him shaken up. James was supposed to be the steady one between them. He was always sure of what he wanted. He never doubted. But why did he seem so unsure now? Hadn't they gone through enough together? Didn't they love each other?

Well she loved him.

Lily shivered. Alice would be so smug, but yeah, she loved him.

 

 

 

Lily woke from her slumber on the couch. The room was dark and the lone candle was dimmed. She glanced up at the stairs and wondered if James had returned and had quietly made it to his room without disturbing her.

She quietly moved to the base of his staircase and cast a quiet spell to show off heat signatures. Nothing. Not even a lit candle, let alone body heat. There wasn't even a residual signature. He had never returned.

Lily felt a shiver run through at her at that. It was a recent development. Before James was attacked, Lily wouldn't have batted an eyelash other than to roll her eyes. He was probably off pulling a prank with his friends, but the thought of him alone and unconscious, bleeding to death was burned into her mind forever now.

She quickly ran to her bedroom and gathered her cloak and wand, the urge to find him and make sure he was safe too strong to ignore.

 

 

 

The Hogwarts halls were muted and dark. Lily was unused to moving around so late. She noticed not even Peeves was up and about, at least in this part of the castle. She wished she had James invisibility cloak for once but he probably had it with him.

She was lucky that it was so late in the night and there were no students out and about not that it would've mattered. She was head girl and could make her excuses. But as it were she was alone. It was actually creepy walking around Hogwarts with not a soul in sight, living or dead, and the candles had long gone out. The castle which was bustling with magic made no notice, not creak or a fit fall of a cat or mouse, not the groans if the magical staircase and certainty not the harsh whispers of the Marauders as they used potter's invisibility cloak.

Still she walked quietly, trying to hear for anyone of those. She made her way up to the Gryffindor tower and as she stood before the sleeping portrait of the fat lady. She felt relief to see the fat lady sleeping lazily in her portrait. Lily rapped eagerly on the canvas and watched as the fat lady sputtered in a not quite flattering way as she was suddenly awoken.

“Wha? Huh? What is it?” She yawned and then blinked slowly at Lily. She seemed a bit dazed before the darkened hallway became apparent.

“Doxie Pox,” Lily said eagerly. Remus had given her the Gryffindor tower password last week.

The fat lady just blinked before frowning. “Young Lady,” She squinted at Lily trying to make out her featured in the dark. “Miss Evans? My word. Have you no idea what the time is?”

“Please, I need to get in. Doxie Pox,” Lily repeated.

“I’m sorry, but that’s not the correct password,” She sniffed. “It’s also past curfew.”

Lily felt her heart sink. “Are you kidding me?” She grunted. She couldn’t believe the password had been changed already.

“I dare not,” The fat lady said. “I think you should return to your dorm, it’s quite late.”

Lily glared at the fat lady who was doing nothing to calm her nerves.

“I’m actually looking for someone,” Lily said. “Couldn’t you tell me if he came in earlier? James Potter?”

“You’ll need the password for that, Miss,” She said.

“I’m head girl, doesn’t that count for something?” She asked.

“Password,” the fat lady said after she sniffed imperiously at Lily.

Lily groaned and held back a biting remark. Insulting the portrait would get her nowhere. Instead she thought of what compliments she could pour onto the vain portrait to endear the keeper to her and not for the first time wished that James kept the Marauder’s map in his dorm. If she had access to it her mission would have been accomplished with just a quick glimpse.

Her musings were interrupted by the soft footfalls coming from the darkened hall behind her. Lily turned her head tried to see into the shadows. She had some light provided by the windows but there were crevices and inlets that didn’t receive any. For a quick thought, she wondered if it was a Marauder under the invisibility cloak. She stepped forward a bit and blinked when she saw two diamond eyes peering at her in the darkness.

There were many creatures in the magical world, most dangerous and for a quick moment lily thought an acromantula from the forest and maybe from her nightmares had followed her and was ready to attack her. She felt her heart jump but then the creature stepped forward into the light and Lily realized it was only Mrs. Norris.

“Oh no,” She realized. Mrs. Norris might not have been better than an acromantula, though she was sure the cat wasn’t venomous. Where ever Mrs. Norris was, Filch was sure to be close and though Lily was a good student who followed the rules, she didn’t think she’d be able to escape a detention from the grumpy old man.

She turned eagerly back to the portrait not sure what she expected: An act of kindness by the fat lady and the portrait hole would be revealed, but alas no. The fat lady wasn’t even in her frame any more.

Lily turned back to Mrs. Norris and saw the cat was just sitting close to the wall watching Lily with a frightening intelligent look.

Lily, giving up on the Gryffindor tower, cast a quick notice me not spell and ran down the opposite end of the hall. She could hear Mrs. Norris give a loud and rumbling meow, which pushed Lily to run all the faster.

She pushed her legs and zipped down different corridors. She may not know the school as well as the Marauders and the lack of light sure wasn’t helping her but she had spent her share of wondering the school and she was certain this way would take her by the Great Hall, even if it was the long way, but from the Great Hall she could find her way back to her rooms. Maybe she’d find James. Maybe he’d find her.

A thought of invisible arms coming around and enveloping her against his chest struck her and she knew she’d probably elbow him and then hug him. But that never happened and Lily grew tired of running. She paused and moved to hide behind a suit of armor while she tried to catch her breath.

Maybe she was being insane. James was probably spending the night with his friends in the Gryffindor tower and she was worried about nothing. If they were out exploring they would’ve seen her on the map and met up with her. James wouldn’t have been on his own now anyway. Lily remembered Sirius’s reaction to seeing his friend in the hospital wing. It made her a bit uncomfortable but she figured Sirius would watch James’s back extra carefully now.

Lily felt her lungs relax and she was preparing to move when she heard a noise. She silently groaned, figuring it was either Mrs. Norris or Filch coming to punish her or Peeves ready to make her night more of a disaster. All the same she stayed where she was nestled between the wall and the suit of armor. She was thankful for the shadows and for once used it to her advantage.

However it wasn’t any of the three she had suspected. She was surprised to see students walk past her as silently as they could. For a moment she thought it was the Marauders and they had come to save her after all, but then realized they were wearing dark cloaks and moving in ways she had never seen the Marauder’s move. She leaned a bit forward and saw the tell tale sign of a green trim at the bottom of the cloak. Slytherins. What were they doing up?

They walked passed her and turned the corner. Lily counted three of them. She waited a moment and made sure her notice me not spell was still strong before following.

As she trailed behind she realized that one of them was speaking in hurried whispers. She strained her ears but could hear hardly better. Eventually they turned down into another hallway and when Lily peeked around the corner she them standing around a statue of a hag with hunched back. Lily was still far away but now that they were standing still coupled with the silence of the school, Lily could finally hear part of their conversation.

“Who will be there, tonight?” One spoke. Lily tried to place his voice, it was vaguely familiar.

“It was Carrow who contacted me,” Another answered. She recognized his voice as well but couldn’t place it either. They must be in her year, she reasoned.

“Do you think that 'He' will be there?” the first asked again. Lily could hear a shiver in his voice and realized he was afraid. Two of them seemed particularly fine to talk, but the third never spoke. He stood a bit away from the talkative two and waited patiently, or impatiently, for them to finish.

“Don’t be stupid,” The first snapped. “We’ll meet You Know Who when we’ve accomplished our mission?”

Lily felt her eyes widened. Were they Death Eaters? Were there actually students who were Death Eaters? She had heard stories about them and had even seen their actions appear in the prophet, but she had always assumed they were adults far away from her and Hogwarts.

Lily shivered and wondered what they would do if they caught her. She was pretty well known in the school as a prefect and now as Head Girl. Surely they would surely know that she was muggleborn if they were to spot her. She leaned against the wall and stopped watching them all together. Instead she let their voices wash over.

“Maybe if you stopped screwing up, we’d get our marks already,” The second voice spoke again. “Now quit stalling and let’s go.”

She heard the sound of stone scraping against stone and when she peered back around the corner to watch them, she saw that all three had gone.

As she walked back to her room she wondered what their mission was and who were their marks. Their voices sounded familiar and Lily was sure she knew them in some way, which meant she had interacted with wannabe death eaters. She felt cold dread fill her stomach and as she climbed the stairs to her bedroom and slid under the covers of her bed, she realized that James still hadn’t returned.

 

 

 

The next morning, Lily woke up in her own bed. The Head’s rooms were quiet and Lily easily deducted that James hadn’t come back and if he did he was already gone. She glanced over at a clock on her wall and saw that breakfast had already started. She slowly gathered her uniform and changed not really feeling much excitement for the day.

The noise levels picked up as she came closer to the Great Hall. She took in the students around her and tried to reconcile that at least three of them were followers of You Know Who. Lily shuddered softly and moved towards the Gryffindor table. She saw the Marauders sitting there. James was among them. He must have been in the Gryffindor tower all along. They were laughing as they usually did and Lily felt a little numb. Didn’t they realize how worried she was? James was smiling as Sirius spoke. Didn’t they worry about the attack on James? They didn’t even know about the three potential Death Eaters. Lily sat down a bit a ways from the Marauders. She stared at her plate feeling suddenly tired.

She wasn’t sure how scared she was. Was she plenty scared or only a little? Or even at all? She had just learned that some of her fellow peers were intending on serving the rising Dark Lord, that should be scary, she concluded. She should be scared.

One day these students would grow up and they would hurt people like her. In all of her classes, she couldn’t help but wonder which of the people sitting among her were wearing those masks. Maybe they wouldn’t be the three boys from last night, but which of them agreed with you know who?

“Hey, Lily,” a peppy voice greet her.

She turned her head and saw Alice coming towards her and for once she was alone with no Frank in sight.

“Alice,” She greeted. She tried to sound normal, but she wasn’t sure if she accomplished it or not. “Where’s Frank?”

“He’s having a bit of a lie-in,” Alice explained. She sat next to her and immediately reached for some bacon. “He woke up with a terrible headache, so I told him he should skip his first class.” Lily just nodded and they fell into silence. Alice quickly displayed a couple of magazines on the table and then began to finger through them.

“Getting a head start on my wedding plans,” She said to Lily in explanation. “I got a letter from Frank’s mum the other day and anyway…drama.”

“Are you alright?” Lily asked.

“Oh yeah,” She said. “What do you think of this?” She held a magazine up and Lily saw that it was moving photograph of white robes.

“S’fine,” Lily said. Alice gave her a concerned look.

“Are you alright?” Alice asked. “I tell you Frank is cutting class to sleep in, you don’t lecture me and you look completely zoned out…like your hair is out of control.” Alice frowned.

Lily shook her head. “I wish I decided to have a lie-in as well,” She admitted.

“What’s wrong?” Alice asked again.

“I just realized that the real world is closer than I thought,” She said.

“How do you mean?” Alice asked. She reached for more bacon.

Of course Alice wouldn’t understand her. Alice was pureblood who fit her role in society perfectly. Lily was an anomaly. She was what Some purebloods might consider an ‘aberration.’ She was feeling all directions of being overwhelmed.

“Alice, what do you think of You Know Who?” She asked. Alice had to disagree with him, Lily was sure of it, but she couldn't deny the comfort she needed in hearing it, especially after last night.

“He’s a creep and a mad man,” Alice said swiftly. There was something about the way Alice spoke that caught Lily by surprise. There was a fire there, of the likes that Lily had never seen in Alice before. “And I’m going to stop him when I become an auror.”

“An auror, really?” She said surprised. She certainly hadn't expected that from Alice.

“Of course. Why do you think I’ve signed on for advance potions? Not because of the ‘wonders’ it does for my hair.”

“Sorry, I guess I’m just surprised,” She said.

“Both my my father and my grandfather were aurors,” Alice explained with a shrug. “My grandfather even faced Grindelwald when he brought his war to Britain. Fighting evil wizards who are out to destroy our world runs in my blood. I always knew I would study to become one.”

“What do your parents think about this?” Lily asked. She had always had the impression from Alice and James that the pureblood society had strict rules on what was expected from women. She hadn’t thought that joining the aurors was what a good wife would do. In response all Alice did was shrug.

“Not their decision,” Alice said and that was that.

Lily was surprised by this conversation but proud of Alice, not that Alice needed the praise. In light of the three death eater students, to hear a friend proclaim so strongly against You Know Who with a desire to stand up against him gave her the strength to make it through the day.

“What about you?” Alice asked. “Why are you thinking about ‘him’?”

“It’s scary to think that as many of us who disagree with his pureblood-only sentiments, that there are as many people who do agree.”

“People are sheep,” Alice said. “They’re afraid of him, and they’re afraid of people like you. We need to learn to stop being so afraid. People don’t make rational decisions when they’re afraid.”

Lily nodded but she couldn’t ‘not’ be afraid. It was hard to turn that emotion off. This was her last year behind the protection of the Hogwarts walls—which doesn't account for much apparently. Before she knew it she would be swept away into the real world where she could find herself on the wrong end of somebody’s wand because she had the ‘wrong’ blood.

“Don’t think about it, Lily,” Alice said. “I’ll stop him.”

Lily thought the sentiment was nice, but the goal might be harder to reach. She nodded all the same, wanting this conversation to bring her strength. She looked down the table to James who was talking to Sirius. She wished she could talk to James about this, what she saw, but she had a feeling she wouldn’t see him much today in his quest to avoid her.

 

 

 

She was only slightly right about James. He kept quiet around her other than a few words here or there, but in the classes they shared together, he greatly preferred working with Sirius more lately than he did with her on projects. She would watch them throughout class and they acted much like they did before James came out as transgender. Sirius and James were laughing more freely then usual and Lily had the sneaking suspicion that they had been planning pranks again.

The next time Lily saw him for any period of time; it was in the head common room. Lily came back from her prefect round to see him sitting on their couch taking notes from a lengthy tome. It was sometimes odd to see him study, though Lily knew he did often to achieve his high scores, but he had such a well crafted image of not putting much effort into his classes.

“Hey,” she said. She partly expected him to start packing up his books, but he didn’t.

He glanced up from his books and greeted her with a nod.

“Which homework is this?” She asked as she sat beside him. She noted the parchment he had laid about and mused he must have been working for quite a while.

“History,” He responded with a tired haziness. Lily immediately understood. “The Witch Hunts in early modern Europe. Can you believe that? Seven years with Binns and we’re still only 1700s.”

Lily shrugged. “He does like to go slow,” She agreed. “I should get started on that, but I’m having a hard time finding the energy.” She made a face. Usually he would laugh at her but today he just gave a smile. Lily still counted that as win.

“It’s not so bad, really,” James said. He filled out an entire sheet of parchment and dropped it on their tiny table in front of the couch. “Much more interesting reading it from a book than hearing it from him, though.”

Lily nodded. She decided to get started on arithmancy work. She cast an accio spell and her text book came flying down the stairs from her room. She caught it and began flipping pages to try and match James’ studiousness. She was pretty good with numbers and figures, which helped her in potions, but arithmancy was much higher learning than simple measurements. She tried to settle into the rhythm of schoolwork, but James sitting beside her, seemingly comfortable, was distracting her.

She watched him from the corner of her eye. James-watching was always more interesting than studying arithmancy. He gave her the side eye and she glanced away quickly. She moved her eyes to him again and he was still watching her. She dropped all pretenses and finally just settled on watching him as he gazed at her in the most fitting of eye-staring contests. She blinked owlishly and his smile widened.

It was a more familiar James and, if not for his stand-offish behavior earlier in the week, Lily would have thought everything was okay in this moment. She supposed that James’ silent and absent behavior had much to do with his attack, which was when he began acting this way in the first place. But something was not right. James not confiding in her, or using his position as Head Boy to hand out detentions as he often seemed to enjoy especially for unsavory acts such as violence, nor was he shrugging the incident off, which at the very least she had expected. James wasn’t a person who did vulnerable well. If she recalled, he could get quite mean when he was feeling weak or inadequate, however, not withdrawn.

With James’ new found return to normal, Lily took advantage and leaned against him. Her book was in her laptop but all she could focus on was the warmth between their skin. He adjusted himself and maneuvered his arm around her shoulders. She smiled softly to herself at this action. Maybe he was coming back to himself. James the octopus as Alice had once called him.

“I missed this,” she said and snuggled a bit deeper into his side.

“Yeah,” He agreed. He gave her a smile and then returned to staring at his history book.

“It’s been a strange week,” She said trying to feel the waters. He nodded. “At least for me, it has been.” She specified. She didn’t want to seem prying. She thought about what she should say that might engage him in conversation. "How is working with Sirius in potions?"

"Exhausting," James responded. "He does more harm than good. I'm thinking of having him sit on his hands next class."

"If he gets worse, we could always team up every once in a while," she suggested, “to salvage your grade.”

"As great as that would be, it's alright," he said. "I know you want to spend time with...your ‘friend’."

Lily internally groaned. Of all the times for James not to jump at the opportunity to separate her from Severus. She had been hoping for peace and reconciliation on that front from both of them, for at the very least to respect her relationship with both of them. But she thought she could count on James’ dislike for Severus to perk him up out of his funk.

"I wouldn't mind," she insisted. "You're actually a fun potion's partner."

She saw a small slow smile form on James' face as he looked down at the book in his lap. He wasn't concentrating on it and Lily could tell he was hyperaware of her.

"That would be nice," he said. Lily did a mental dance. She felt like she had won an important battle there.

"I could also use your help with my transfiguration homework," she said trying to appeal to his ego. It worked and James gave her a winning smirk. There was her James. "I can't seem to transform my cat into a tea set. Too many parts, I get confused."

"Your poor cat," he said.

"Oh I'm sure you wouldn't know," Lily said speaking of his transfiguration prowess. "One teacup has a tail and another has an eyeball. And let's not get started on what appears on the saucer."

James made a face. "That's kind of wicked actually."

"The cat is okay, by the way," she said and poked his side. "Professor McGonagall stepped in, in case you were worried."

"I've always been more dog person," he said and Lily thought of Sirius. Of course.

They sat in another silence before Lily suggested they sneak out to the kitchens. Head duty had kept them both busy this year and Lily hadn’t found time to make her way down there after prefect rounds but to be truly honest, she had never journeyed to the kitchens without James before, though she suspected he’s been their quite frequently with the Marauders.

"Breaking rules are we, Evans?" He asked fondly but he closed his book and stretched. He stood up and held a hand out to her.

"You know, I'm not as prissy of you and your friends think I am," she said.

They held hands as they walked down the hall. Technically they weren't allowed out past curfew but other students didn't need to know that and James had quickly grabbed his invisibility cloak to cover them. Lily was still quite fascinated by it even though he showed it to her last year. She supposed it made sense that he would have something like that with the amount of trouble the Marauders always got up to.

The house elves were quite cheerful to supply them with food. James transformed a spoon into a basket and began to pack some of the food up.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked amused.

"We're not eating here," he explained.

"We're not?"

"No, I have somewhere better in mind," he said. He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the kitchens. They began their quiet journey and Lily realized that they were definitely not walking towards there dormitory which would have been the safest option. Too safe for James, she suspected. He led her towards the entrance of the school and soon they were sprinting and giggling across the grass no longer under the cloak but basking under the moonlight.

He pulled her towards the quidditch pitch and Lily couldn't help but laugh aloud again. Of course they were going to the quidditch pitch. To James, nothing must be more romantic. If he could, she was sure he’d marry her on a pitch. She stopped laughing at that thought—a little chilled—that it came so naturally to her. James didn’t notice her sobriety and instead busied himself by conjuring a red picnic blanket from a twig in the middle of the pitch. Lily was a little amazed by his skill as he always transfigured so gracefully.

Lily plucked a blade of grass and tried to transfigure it into a candle. She did so with mild success. The candle was still green instead of the off-white she had imagined and the flickering flame she had intended was only embers. She gave James a sheepish look as he paused in unpacking their food to smile at her work. He aimed his want and cast a levitation spell and it flew from her hands and hovered a few feet of the ground above their heads. He cast another spell and the wick lit up.

“Better,” He mumbled at the soft light it cast though it was hardly effective as the moon was large and bright in the sky. She took a seat close to his side so that they were touching thighs and graciously took a plate of slice of cake and grapes.

"Thank you," she gushed and took a small bite of the cake.

"Delicious?" He asked. He took a large bite out of his slice and managed to get icing on his cheek. He didn’t seem to notice though.

"The best," she said. "Those elves sure know how to bake. Thank you for bringing me here."

James shrugged. “After our conversation earlier, I realized how much I missed you,” He smiled bashfully.

Lily lowered her plate and felt herself relax completely. She had never felt this comfortable before. In this moment she had no fears, anxieties, or hang ups. It was literally just the two of them right now and they were in their own little world. No one else could ruin it.

She gazed at his face and he met her stare head on. Lily felt herself leaning in, wanting to be even closer and felt her lips press against his icing coated cheek. She felt her hands reach up and rest on his shoulders. James’ hands automatically landed on her waist and he leaned forward and she found herself lying on her back with James on top of her.

Their lips found each other and Lily was amazed with how gentle James was with her. She shouldn’t be surprised as he had never been aggressive when they kissed but she was always taken aback with how each kiss seemed to last with him, like he was trying to savor it.

They continued to kiss lazily, only breaking for little breaths and instantly rekindling or even just pressing their bodies as close as they could.

James now had his face pressed against her neck just resting. She could feel his eyelashes shuddering against her skin. She herself rested a hand on his back as he was still partially on top of her and tried to relax by gazing at the stars above. She didn’t know the constellations well enough though every once in a while she could find Orion’s belt and what she thought was the greater constellation of Orion, but she had never really gazed at the sky before. Hogwarts was completely dark not contributing any light pollution and the candle was considerably dulled. She blinked lazily and wondered if they should make their way back to the castle. She didn’t want to move from here though.

 

 

 

A considerable time later, Lily lazily blinked her eyes open. They sky was dark but she could see the tendrils of light coming up above the horizon of the lake. James finally raised his head from where he had been resting in against his cheek and looked around. The side of his face was red from being pressed against her hair though he didn’t seem to notice.

“I think the bugs have taken charge of our food,” He said groggily.

“Hmmm,” Lily agreed though she couldn’t see the food from where she was laying.

James cleaned up their mess and shrunk the basket so he could fit it in his pocket.

“Come on, Lily, time to get up,” He said. He seemed to want to collect the blanket but she was too comfortable.

“No, rest longer,” She said.

“We can do that in our dorm,” He said.

Lily sighed and glanced at the castle. There was a classroom light on. Yes, they better get moving. She sighed grumpily and stood up shakily. James transformed the blanket back to a stick and did the same to her candle. The blade of grass instantly fell from its floating position.

James reached for her hand and they began their trek back to the school, as they were no longing running, Lily took her time to take in the quiet campus. The Forbidden Forest was looking calm and almost nonthreatening. She had not stepped foot in those woods since last winter and the thought of those giant spiders still bothered her. She turned away from the unfriendly place and saw the black lake. She was reminded of boggart project from their first day of class and how James never stepped forward to participate. She squeezed his hand and then tugged him towards the murky water. It suddenly seemed important she share with him the truth of her boggart.

She stopped at the bank and watched the quiet expanse of the smooth water drift off into the distance. The lake was huge and home to a giant squid and grindylows and kelpies: A place no safer than The Forbidden Forest.

“Can I tell you something?” She asked.

He nodded, “Of course.”

“Remember that boggart assignment we had on the first day of school?” She asked.

He nodded and then frowned.

“Well, remember what it became for me? Do you want to know the story behind it?" she asked.

"You almost drowned?" He asked upset. He knew it was a boggart but he still remembered being chilled at the sight of Lily’s lifeless body. He squeezed his arms tighter around her.

Lily nodded. "I use to go fishing with my dad when I was younger. I loved it and I still remember it fondly. He loved to fish. He’s the kind of guy who would fall asleep holding his rod. I was 10 the last time he took me out with him. I never learned how to swim so I always wore a life vest and stayed in the boat. And then with Hogwarts, I just have never been able to go back out with him.”

“What happened?” he asked.

“There’s a small pond by my house and one day Sev and I went there. He knew I couldn’t swim and he promised he’d teach me,” Lily remembered how eager Severus was to impart his swimming knowledge on her. He learned from his dad and it was probably one of the few things he had ever learned from him. “But I nearly drowned. Sev couldn’t save me and I went under. I couldn’t breathe and then next thing I knew my father was pulling me out of the water.”

James wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“I’ve been afraid of drowning ever since,” She said.

James squeezed her hand.

‘What's your fear?’ she wondered silently.

He was still for a bit before he turned to her and held her face in his hands. He kissed her on the lips and Lily felt her body melt against his. She liked being in his arms. He stopped kissing her but continued to hold her. Softly, he said, “I won't ever let anything happen to you.”

Lily liked that promise though she knew better than to depend on it. But silently she vowed the same. She would never let anything bad happen to him either.

 

 

 

All throughout the day, Lily couldn't help but send James fond looks. He was back to his old self and when they entered potions, Lily was pleasantly surprised when James grabbed the seat next to her just as Severus entered the classroom. She couldn't even muster the energy to feel bad towards her friend as she was so happy to have her James back, though she did send him a customary scowl when he stuck out his tongue out at Severus' back.

"Stop it," she said and tapped his arm. He turned back to her with a smile.

"Gotcha," he said. He crushed his lips against her cheek.

Lily smiled; this was definitely her James.

“James, do you want to partner up?” She asked. He nodded and she quickly ordered him to collect their ingredients. She was about to turn to her potions book but was slow enough to see James pause by Sirius as he leaned in. James whispered something to him and then frowned as Sirius sent her a hard look. James shook his head then said something to Sirius that relaxed his friend. Lily squeezed her eyebrows together and watched as James rest his hand on Sirius’ elbow and then went about his way towards the ingredients closet.

 

 

 

“So, I was looking at wedding robes last weekend and I’m not sure if I want a traditional muggle gown or a traditional robe. Both are white, so it’s not a matter of color,” Alice explained. She took a bite out of her chicken sandwich. Surprisingly, the great hall was only sporadically filled, though today was a nice day for autumn, maybe one of their last nice days till spring. The students were probably using their lunch time to wonder the grounds. Alice had taken the extra space to lay out her magazine photos. “What do you think?”

Lily raised her head from the palm of her hand and stared at Alice. “Er…?”

“Which dress design should I go with?” Alice asked. “Muggle or wizard?”

“Oh, eh,” Lily thought for a moment, “I’m partial to muggle—”

“Frank’s mother wants wizard robes,” Alice cut in.

“Robes are nice also,” Lily agreed.

“I don’t want Frank and I to look like matching dolls,” Alice said.

“Yeah?” Lily asked.

“This is serious,” Alice said. “Black wizard robes and white wizard robes for functions, regardless of color, are practically the same. Meanwhile I could have any white dress I wanted if I went muggle.”

“Then wear muggle,” Lily stated. “It’s your wedding.”

“Is it?” Alice said it so quickly that Lily was struck with how embedded those feelings were in Alice.

“Of course,” Lily urged. “It’s not your mother in law’s wedding. It’s yours.”

Alice nodded and then slowly smiled. “Lily, I want you to be my maid of honor.”

“Seriously?” Lily asked. She sat up straighter. “Of course. I’d be honored.”

“Thank you, thank you so much,” Alice said. “I think my maid of honor was going to be picked for me. Probably a girl from finishing school, but I know you best. This means so much for me.”

“Our first order of business,” Lily said. “Do you want a dress or robes?”

“Err,” Alice bit her lip. “Well…I like both. I don’t know.”

“You’ve got time,” Lily said.

Alice nodded but seemed depressed. Lily stared at Alice and watched as her friend crumbled right before her.

“I don’t know what I want,” Alice said.

“Alice,” Lily sighed. “It’s okay. Your wedding is almost a year away.”

“That’s not the point. I’m getting married and I don’t know what I want,” she said.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked confused. “You’ve only just started just preparing.” She thought Alice would have had her whole wedding planned long before she even found her husband.

“I mean, I don’t know what wedding dress I want, or what flowers, or what food to serve. I've been dreaming of this moment for years and now I'm lost,” Alice said. “This is a nightmare.”

“Come on, Alice, none of that stuff matter,” Lily comforted. “Those are just window dressing.”

“It is important,” Alice pushed. “Because it should be easy for me to know what I want. This is scaring me.”

Lily leaned forward and laid a hand on Alice’s shoulder. “I thought you were sure of this?”

“I thought so too,” Alice said. “But I'm so overwhelmed and Frank’s mother…”

Lily was shocked. Alice had always been confident in everything including Frank Longbottom, but, Lily supposed, not everyone was spared from pre-wedding jitters.

 

 

 

The day continued in much the same manner. Dinner was full though her peers were extra rejuvenated. Lily felt like she was running on fumes. She had crawled into bed and passed out almost immediately.

She didn't know how long she slept for before she was startled awake. Her eyes blinked wide open and her chest pounded.

“Lily,” She heard a voice whisper. Lily sat up slowly from her bed and saw a figure at her door.

“James” She asked. She squinted and saw that it was in fact James and that he was holding a broom. Her mind was slow and tired but she deduced that he flew his broom up the stairs in a way to bypass the stair charm.

“Hey,” He said softly. He moved towards her and she lifted the blanket so he could crawl in next to her. They hadn’t shared a bed yet at all this year unless she counted the other night when they fell asleep outside on the quidditch pitch. It was right to feel his body next to her in the comfort of a bed. She felt pajama-clad knees bump up to her legs before one slipped in between her legs.

“What are you doing here?” She asked and draped an arm over his chest and snuggled closer into his side.

“Had a bad dream,” He said. Lily paused in her attempt to snuggle to understand what he said. James didn’t seem the type to have a nightmare and need comfort. He struck her as the type to write off fear…but, she remembered, he never moved towards his boggart.

“What did you dream about?” She asked.

James was quiet before she heard his sleepy reply: “I can’t remember.”

Lily sighed thinking that this block between them would remain. There was something going on here, and Lily was sure it was not in her head.

After a while, James began to nod off but she remained wide awake. She ran her hand through his hair and the light from her halfway-opened bedroom door shined across his face, lighting up the scar near his scalp. She hated that there would forever be a token of his attack and that he would have to bear it. She touched it gently. It wasn’t raised like one would expect from a deep cut but the skin was lighter and softly wrinkled and if she took a closer look she could see where the skin was mended. She sighed but thought the shape of the scar looked familiar.

How could scars look familiar? Unless she’s seen this type of wound before. She tried to not let that run away with her imagination and rest her eyes, but suddenly her eyes snapped open. She had seen this scar before—many times before. She hesitated to acknowledge it, maybe it was a coincidence…but James had another faint scar on the ridge of his chin—barely noticeable these days—from his confrontation with Severus their fifth year. She remembered James had gone to Madame Pomfrey immediately and his life had not been threatened by that incident. But it had been Severus who had given him that scar then.

Lily slowly closed her eyes as she remembered the idiocy her male companions. She had never hated James as much as she did then, and Severus, she walked away from the incident with the intent of never speaking to him again. However, after a returning home for the summer, Severus had hunted her down and forced her to listen to his apology and they promised to make a better effort at their friendship.

That summer, Lily had caught a few glances at Severus’ left arm and had noticed scaring. It had frightened her but Severus had shown her the Sectumsempra spell as if to prove his magical curiosity was more comforting than a desire to self-mutilate.

But it was all the more damning that it was his spell again that left James abandoned in a classroom to bleed out all through the night. James had known all along who had attacked him. Lily rolled away from him and stared at her darkened ceiling. It had been her best friend.

 

 

 

"Severus," she called. The next morning, she had woken up to James still in her bed. She had to coax him awake and was reminded to what a non-morning person he was. While not an experience she had often, Lily found she did enjoy waking up next to him and for a brief moment she allowed herself to imagine a future beyond Hogwarts. Then she remembered what she learned last night and felt a heavy cloud form over her head.

Her Slytherin friend was walking down the hall on his own. She didn't see him too often out of class lately so it was pure happenstance that she spotted him now.

He stopped and waited for her to catch up.

"Lily," he greeted.

"Sev," she said." I need to talk to you."

"What is it?" He asked.

Lily paused, wondering how to broach something like this. She dragged him down the hall until she found an empty classroom. "You remember that spell you created a few years ago? The Sectumsempra spell?" She winced.

Severus grew tense and folded his arms defensively. "Why are you asking me about that? I told you I would never use it again."

She wanted to believe him, but James was proof that he lied.

"I don't believe you," she said. She truly didn't. She took Severus in and wondered how long she could remain blind. She remembered those three death eater students roaming the hall that terrible night. Severus could have been one of them.

"Of course you don't," he snapped.

"You used it on James, didn't you?" She said. Severus always hated James.

"Did Potter tell you that?" he snapped, "She's a jerk, Lily. She would lie to you, like she has before."

"'He' didn't tell me anything," she said. "I saw his scar. I recognized it. You have them littered all over your arms."

She grabbed Severus's arm and pushed his sleeve up where she could see the tiny faint scars all in the same shape of James's.

Severus ripped his arm out of her grip and glared at her.

"I didn't touch your precious...girlfriend," he spat. "You're so quick to assume the worse of me. She's clearly brain washed you."

“Stop calling him that,” She said darkly.

“It’s what she is,” Snape snapped.

Lily shook her head. “You’re being willfully ignorant—”

“Oh! Of course, I am,” He said. “Of course.”

Lily folded her arms and glared at him. "If it wasn't you who attacked him with your spell, who did?"

Severus paused but no less angry, just caught by that comment. "It was Avery and Mulciber. And for the record I didn't know they were going to do that."

"So what, you taught them that spell. What did you think they were going to do?"

"I don't need this," he snapped. "You want to think I'm the villain in your soap opera life, Evans? Fine, but just leave me alone. I'm so done with you."

Severus stepped away from her and walked to the classroom door and Lily was left alone with her names feeling shaken and numb.

 

 

 

Lily had skipped her afternoon lessons and stayed in the classroom where she pondered vigorously what to do. She knew the names of the attackers: Two Slytherin students who had already had a reputation for hurting other students. She also had a serious hunch that they might be death eaters or at least planning to be. Normally she would've dealt with these two on her own as head girl but if they were death eaters, they probably deserved to have the legal authorities get involved.

Lily made a decision that she wished James would have made in the first place and made her way to the headmaster's office.

"Headmaster?" She said.

The white haired man looked up from the scroll he was reading and sent her a fond look.

“Miss Evans,” he greeted warmly. “Lemon drop?”

She shook her head, “No thank you.” She took the offered seat before his desk.

“What can I do for you, Miss Evans,” He said.

“Sir, I’ve come across pertinent information,” She couldn’t bear to say Severus’ name. She sighed feeling terrible, “I know who attacked James Potter earlier this month,” She said.

“These are serious accusations,” He said seriously.

“I know, I recognized the spell used to hurt him, only a few people would know how to use it,” She explained.

“Sectumsempra,” Dumbledore stated and Lily nodded.

“Sir, I believe the two students are Avery and Mulciber. James and they have never got on well…”

“And why do you believe that it is these two students who were involved in Mr. Potter’s attack?” _And why not Severus Snape?_

Lily sighed. “Severus told me they knew the spell.” Not many people knew of his invented spells and therefore not many students would be able to use them. “There’s something else. I think there are death eaters in this school. Or at least hopeful death eaters. I saw three roaming around the school late at night over a week ago.”

Dumbledore looked very grave at that. Lily didn’t like the sad look in his eyes as he nodded. “Thank you Miss Evans. I and the staff will look into this.”

Lily nodded. “Thank you,” She whispered. She got up slowly and left his office.

 

 

 

Lily wished that Dumbledore shared with her what was on his mind when she had spoken with him earlier. Too much time had passed since James had been hurt for his attackers to have been free of punishment.

She had always respected the headmaster and always believed in his ability to keep this school safe but as she sat through dinner and saw no sight of James or his fellow marauders, and saw that Dumbledore was seated at the teacher’s table looking as he did every evening, very comfortable and non-plus by his students, she couldn't help but feel nothing would get accomplished.

 

 

 

James felt alive. For the first time in a long while, he felt like he was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing. He was back with the Marauders, no awkwardness to be had. He and Sirius were getting on as they did before sixth year.

Sirius and James had spent the last few weeks planning the perfect revenge on the people that had attacked him. He had lied about not knowing who had ganged up on him, not wanting a teacher to fight his battles. He knew what would happen to him once he graduated from school. Out there, there was no one who was going to fight your battles for you.

Avery was an ugly fellow. He had sallow hair and heavily cratered cheeks. Avery had a problem with James most of their school career. James was one of the best in their classes, and a teacher’s favorite despite being a trouble maker, and Avery had a habit of lifting his school skirt in the past as a way to keep him unnerved. James absolutely hated him.

Mulciber never truly crossed paths with the Marauders before though he had a habit of going after students that he deemed weaker. His legacy was tripping muggleborn girls down the stairs between classes and jinxing muggleborns with more dangerous spells.

He spared a glance at Sirius who was at his side. They were both hidden under the invisibility cloak outside the Slytherin common room’s entrance. Several students had passed them by already and James was beginning to feel antsy.

“Mate, here they come,” Sirius whispered in his ear. James looked down the hall and saw the two boys accompanied by Snape. They weren’t talking and Snape looked angry.

James didn’t spare Sirius a look but lifted his want. The three boys stated the password and entered the common room. James and Sirius quietly followed in after them, careful to keep their feet covered by the cloak. When the portrait hole closed behind them and they were graced with moldy cold dungeon that was the Slytherin common room, both boys pulled out their wands and got to work.

 

 

 

Lily was still in her room sulking and trying to concentrate on her schoolwork when she heard stomping outside her bedroom. “Hello? James?” She called and the door opened.

James looked angry.

“James? What happened?” She asked. She jumped from her bed and ran towards him but he stepped back suddenly out of her reach. “What…”

“You told Dumbledore,” He said.

She was silent. The headmaster had done something after all. “I did…? What happened?”

He glared at her. “Why? Why would you bring him into this?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” She asked. “Seriously, James, why haven’t you gone to the teachers after your attack?”

“Because I don't want the world to know!” He snapped. “Merlin! This is really hard, don't you understand that?”

Lily felt shock at his outburst and couldn't speak.

“I'm standing here as I am and people will deny to my face that I am a man. I was attacked over this, and you think I want my business spread across the papers anymore than already have been?”

“That wasn't my intent—”

“No, but it will happen,” he said. “There's going to be an investigation, possibly charges. I'm going to have to stand before a court and explain why they attacked me, what they did…I can't deal with that. Sirius and I were going to handle this in our way but you couldn't just butt out for once, could you?”

“I'm sorry. I was just so worried about you. Why didn't you tell me?” She said. “I was worried sick over you and you just stopped talking to me.”

“Because this doesn't concern you,” he said, frustrated. “This is my problem.”

She slapped him. She was shocked by her action and so was James judging by the look he gave her.

“Of course this concerns me,” she said. “I'm your girlfriend and my boyfriend was found bleeding out and abandoned and he won't let me in. So, yes I snooped. I thought I was helping you.”

“I wish you would have just left it alone,” he said. “You've done this before, you know. With my animagus.”

She glared at him. “What else am I supposed to do if you won't talk to me?”

“You don't need to know everything,” he rubbed his face as a bitter reminder that she slapped him and stepped away from her.

“You’re walking away?” She asked.

“I have to go to Dumbledore’s office, aurors from the ministry want to talk to me,” he said coldly. “Don't wait up…in fact, I think I need some space after this.” He gestured between them.

Lily watched him go feeling empty.

 

 

 

Despite what he said, Lily waited for James to return but he ever did. Instead, close to midnight, she found herself dozing lightly on the couch when the portrait hole opened up. She thought it might be James and when she eagerly looked over the back o the couch she was disappointed and then confused to see Professor McGonagall standing there.

“Professor?” she asked. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to collect you. I’m sorry if I woke you,” She explained. Lily sat up from the couch and tried to smooth her uniform.

“Whats going on?”

The professor began to lead her down the halls towards the headmaster’s office. She began to fear that she was in trouble. What if they revoked her head girl status? What if something else happened to James and they wee going to tell her there? She was preparing for the worse, when they arrived at Dumbledore’s office. McGonagall spoke the password and then led her up he spiral staircase. Inside, Lily was surprised to see two auburn dressed adults seated in plush chairs who looked up at their entrance.

Dumbledore smiled at her and Lily felt the blood begin to pump in her body again. “Ah, Miss Evans. These are Auror Johnson and Auror Witcky. They are investigating the assault you reported and have a few questions for you.”

Introductions were made but Lily found no comfort in their presence. Everything was becoming too real.

 

 

 

James was apparently good at carrying a grudge.

As terrible as Lily felt in Dumbledore’s office that night, reporting on how she and the marauders had found James, James himself must’ve felt worse. I had been explained that as an under aged muggleborn, the Headmaster was to serve as her guardian and remained present while the aurors questioned her. That little tidbit must’ve meant that James Parents must’ve shown up last night as he had to recount what happened to him. That must’ve been horrifying. She felt awful and decided to give him space but after a few days she began to understand that he wasn’t going to come around.

As she learned, he was good at grudges. She half expected him to revert to pranks but instead she got absolutely nothing from him and she didn’t know what that meant.

A week had passed since the aurors showed up, which did end in arrests, but Lily had hardly seen him outside of class. She first began to spend more time in their shared common room in hopes of catching him but she never saw him once, and then she had taken to avoiding the common room all together not wanting to feel his presence wither away.

She kept mostly to the library which she seemed to have kept in their ‘divorce’ or to her own room, which held very little memories of him other than the one night he couldn't sleep. She also kept herself busy with prefect rounds and handing out detentions. It's been a while since she had done that, James had made her soft since they came together.

She had seen James mad before and had been on the receiving end of his ire before—they use to be rivals of a sort in their earlier Hogwart's years—but now, as his girlfriend, she couldn't bear to be around him when he was that angry at her. She just wanted to help him and she didn't think she had pushed it too far; however, she was beginning to think he would never talk to her again, let alone trust her.

She also made more time for Alice but had a hard time focusing on her friend’s wedding plans when her own head seemed so filled with James. Nothing seemed to keep her from thinking of him but on one of her afternoon rounds, she had seen him out on the quidditch field with Mary. The same Mary who used to give him the evil eye now would greet him in the hallways in between classes and return a book to him during breakfast that she must have borrowed from him at some point.

James seemed to be doing just fine without her.

She had destroyed her friendship with Severus (though after all the tension and his anger, she didn't feel to remorseful, just the bitter sting of loneliness), couldn't even help Alice with her wedding, and now James couldn't even look at her. Her relationships seemed to spiraling out of her hands, but then again, her relationship with Petunia was indicative that this was a trend with her.

As she sat alone in the library, contemplating her friendless landscape and feeling sorry for herself. She supposed she should try to spare her one decent relationship left with Alice by getting her head on straight, though the idea that Alice should even struggle with her wedding plans was quite a strange one. Alice had known her marriage was impending the moment she had essentially met Frank Longbottom and Lily had imagined that Alice must've planned her wedding fourteen times prior to the official announcement.

 

 

 

James’ fears were confirmed when Lily opened the daily prophet. To be quite honest, reading the news was no longer an enjoyable morning ritual with all the horrible vandalism and assault attacks that accumulated in a sinister green mark in the sky. She mostly kept her subscription to the Prophet because it was too much of a hassle to get rid of it, and she was nostalgically fond of the paper for being a link to the wizarding world when she was at home for the summer.

The paper arrived quite normally and when she saw the headline ‘Female to Male Potter Heir Assault At Hogwarts’. She gasped. There were two photographs, the first of which was young James Potter, pre-transformation dressed in Wizard robes, and Lily couldn’t help but wonder if this was a photo taken at one of those pureblood witch schools that James and Alice had been sent to as children. The second Photo was of James from more recently, most probably taken from when he met with authorities to report his assault. Both were moving and Lily could see how uncomfortable James was in both of them. It pained her to see him so unsettled when James made such an effort to appear comfortable and proud. She hated that it all seemed to be crashing down around him.

She took a deep breath and began to read the accompanying article:

 

_James Potter, the Potter heir formally known as_

_Jasmine Potter, made ripples last year with the_

_creation of a new form of transfiguration is_

_now back in the center of a new controversy._

 

_Two under aged students allegedly assaulted_

_Potter on Hogwarts ground. Authorities have_

_not stated motive but witnesses have reported_

_to seeing tension between Potter and fellow_

_Schoolmates.The two suspects are allegedly  
_

_linked to Death Eater activity on school grounds._

_Their activities were reported this month by_

_witness whose identity will be kept secret at this_

_time._

 

_Details are still surfacing on the incidences but_

_the two students have been charged with assault_

_and a court date has been set for March. Stay_

_tuned for more information._

 

Lily felt like vomiting. How did this Journalist find out so much? She couldn’t understand.

“Hey, Lily, are you alight?” Lily looked up sharply and saw Alice approaching her alone for once.

“Where’s Frank?” she asked sharply and then cringed. “Sorry, hi.”

“Yeah, definitely not alright?” Alice sat down.

“Sorry,” Lily apologized again. “It’s just…guess what made front page news?”

She held the paper out for the other girl to read.

Alice whistled. “Front page news. I can’t believe they might be death eaters. This is awful.”

“James is going to hate this,” Lily said and buried her head in her arms. “He told me he didn’t want this to be in the papers and now it is.”

Alice patted the top of her head. “You did the right thing. James will see that eventually. They would’ve hurt someone else eventually, and that would hang over your head if they did.”

Lily nodded, wanting to believe her friend. “Yeah, you’re right. I just, I don’t feel better about any of this.”

“I guess this is bad timing?” Alice sighed.

“What's bad timing?” Lily folded the paper up, no longer capable of looking at it.

“Asking you to be my date for Hogsmeade today?"Alice batted her eyelashes at Lily trying to make light of their morning.

"Is today a Hogsmeade weekend?" Lily asked.

"Yes," Alice nodded. "I wanted to go dress shopping for my wedding today and I would love your help...And I suppose it would be a nice distraction from all this daily prophet nonsense.”

Lily felt guilty for forgetting Alice’s wedding plan nerves and eagerly nodded.

“Of course, you’re right, perfect timing,” Lily eagerly agreed. Alice seemed to brighten up and Lily was again ashamed at how little attention she seems to pay Alice lately.

 

 

 

“I'm promise you, we will find you something to wear for your wedding,” Lily insisted. She had managed to capture all of Alice’s attention for their first trip to Hogsmeade of the year.

“I feel like I’ll never be satisfied.”

“Of course you won't,” Lily said instinctively.

“Lily! You're supposed to be helping me, not making me more anxious.”

“Alice, I've known you for seven years now. You have never been satisfied by anything except Frank.” She gave Alice a smile. “On your wedding day, you won't be thinking of the flower arrangements, whose dinner seat is next to who, or your mother-in-law. You'll only see Frank and it will be the most wonderful day of your life.”

Alice blushed and smiled gratefully. “You're my best friend, Lily. But we both know I will be a monster on my wedding day.” They both laughed knowing Alice was right.

The giggled about the wedding plans, both feeling levity for once and the walk to Hogsmeade was quick for that very reason. Their first and primary stop was at Gladrags where Alice had Lily try on several bridesmaid robes before she simply settled on fabric still unhappy with any dress she saw. Gladrags had a small corner for wedding ware and Lily made sure to watch Alice’s face for any indication of her preferences but she remained sour at every white robe shown before her.

Alice made sure the sales woman was helping someone else before turning to Lily. “The wizarding community goes pretty traditional with marriages. Almost draconian, right?” She said in reference to a conservative robe that almost looked nunnish.

“Alright,” Lily said firmly. “None of this. You're getting a muggle dress.”

“I don't know,” Alice sighed.

“Yes you do,” Lily grabbed Alice's shoulder and gave her a shake. “You know you don't want wizard robes. That's what Mrs. Longbottom wants, right?” Alice nodded. “But you want something else, something unique and you'll find that in a muggle store.”

“You think so?” Alice thought. “Who am I kidding? You’re right. I want a ball gown. Something ridiculous. All eyes on me.”

“Do you need help, ladies?” The shopkeeper returned to them.

Alice and Lily shared a look and then Alice considered the cloth material for the bridesmaid robes. Alice set them down and grabbed Lily’s hand.

“We were just browsing, thank you though,”

The shopkeeper nodded and walked away.

“I thought those were for the bridesmaid robes?” Lily asked confused.

“No, I changed my mind. I want all dresses!”

Lily nodded, proud that Alice seemed definitive about it.

Lily ended up buying a very expensive scarf, a little guilty for wasting the shopkeeper’s time and Alice gave her a hard time for it. Eventually they made their way to the three broomsticks.

Lily instantly felt a moment of déjà vu when they walked through the door but when she walked towards the counter to order, she noticed the marauders were nowhere in sight. This was where she had first seen James and that association was coloring her afternoon with her one remaining friend.

“Even though we got nothing to show for my wedding, I feel better now that I know what theme I'm going with.” Alice said when they sat down with their drinks.

“I'm happy for you,” Lily said.

They talked a bit more about inane things before lapsing into silence while sipping their drinks.

“So what's your problem?” Alice finally asked. It was quite amazing that the two girls could get through a drink at the leaky cauldron without one of their butterbeers upending on their heads.

“You think I have a problem?” Lily asked.

“Because for once you're way too invested in mine.”

“I think you are confusing me with you,” Lily said.

“Hey now, I care what's going on in your life. Point in case just now. I asked, see?” Alice said. Lily decided not to point out that Alice spent most of her free time with Frank and that now they didn't share a room together, Lily and Alice's friendship was relegated to class time and meal times, in which case they never had the private time to truly talk. "Are you still upset about what the prophet wrote?"

“No, well that's part of it. James and I broke up,” Lily confessed, still not quite believing what had happened. “Or I think we did.”

“You don't know?”

Lily lowered her head. “We haven't talked for over a week. He said he needed space,” Lily said. “We got into a huge fight and he practically told me to beat it and he hasn't looked at me since.”

When Lily glanced at Alice, the other girl was staring at her wide eyed.

“He…?” Alice cut herself off. “Merlin’s beard. I was so sure it would be you who ended things.”

Lily looked scandalized. “Why would I end it? I love him.”

Alice made an apologetic face. “You do?”

Lily was blown away by what she was hearing. Why would Alice think that Lily would consider ending it? It made her a little sick to think that her closest friend at that moment, the friend Lily had opened up to about her relationship with James had had doubts about it all along.

“Of course I love him. I wouldn't date him if I didn't care,” Lily snapped. She considered just having a clean sweep of new friends.

“Sorry. I'm sorry, it's just,” Alice cleared her throat. “You just seem so strange about your relationship, is all?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I made a mess of this, I'll stop talking.”

“No, what do you mean I seem strange?” Lily snapped. “He's the one who's been pushing me away and acting strange ever since he got out of the hospital wing, He’s been distant.”

“Sure, you're right,” Alice took a sip from her mug.

“Well…yes,” Lily said. “You thought I'd break up with him over that?”

Alice sighed and than looked determined. “Alright, I'll say it. You are so reserved about your relationship. Everything you say: you're not considering your future—”

“If I'm remembering this correctly you brought up marriage,” Lily interrupted.

“You've been dating since before last winter break. When you graduate it will have been closing in on two years. What do you plan to do? Move in together, not move in together.”

“Maybe I don't want to get married at 17,” Lily said levelly. “It's too young by my standards.”

Alice squinted at her and then said darkly, “But you haven’t even talked about what your plans are for once we graduate. You don't even want to think about it. Plan on breaking up with him at the station? And always when he kisses you, you turn your head so he catches your cheek.”

“Not always—”

“Don't care,” Alice said. “All I can say is that you've been pushing him away long before he was hurt.”

Lily glared at her and then looked away. Had she been pushing him away? Had James thought that? He always seemed so relaxed about their relationship, not insecure if he thought Lily want a hundred percent in it. But she was. She loved him and she did want a life with him. She just never said anything.

She collapsed and rested her face in her hands. “I feel like shit.”

“Language,” Alice said. Lily looked up and Alice gave her fond smile.

“I ruined everything.”

“He loves you,” Alice said. “It'll work itself out.”

“I don't know that it will,” Lily said. “We didn't have a fight because he thought me indifferent, but because he thought me overbearing. I got nosy and started digging into his business and he didn't like that. Apparently I do that.”

“Oh, Lily, you are not that bad. Nosy, sure, but he had to have known that when he fell in love with you.”

Lily felt her heart thrill at the idea that James loved her.

“Remember, James didn't just come out of the woodwork. You two have known each other, flaws and all, since we were children—shared a living space even. He's seen your bossy, over-bearing, nosy side before and fell for you anyway. Trust me, it's not over.”

Lily wished she could believe that. She took a sip of her butterbeer, it too sweat on lips and tried to save face with Alice and not cry.

 

 

 

Lily found herself on her own more since the weekend. She decided to use her new found free time on her studies. The end of her schooling was approaching and she still had to figure out what career she needed to fall into. That was a downside, she thought, about wizard schooling. There was an emphasis on apprenticeships rather than university.

Alice fell back in with Frank, and Lily saw them in classes and lunch, but felt like a third wheel. In potions, she no longer worked with either Severus or James. Her new partner was Aretha Bass, a Hufflepuff who was earnest about potions but had butterfingers. Lily was patient but only because she was distracted and their work certainly suffered for it. James didn't look particularly happy either and he never once glanced her way, but Sunday, she had seen him walking down the hall with two aurors. Lily hid behind a corner not wanting James to see her in this moment. He was too furious about the attention his situation was getting and she didn’t want to further remind him of her involvement.

And, now, she apparently had their dorm all to herself. James did not sleep there anymore, nor did she ever seem to cross paths with him if he came for trivial things. All in all, Hogwarts was becoming a lonely year and Lily was desperate enough to seek companionship from myrtle in the second floor bathroom, which in itself was sad and pathetic.

At least when she went to the library she felt imbued with a purpose. She could push out her drama and focus solely on studying. On the journey there, she felt a large hand grip her upper arm and tug her into a nearby classroom. Lily was startled and for a mere moment considered it might have been one of those death eater wannabes she saw that night come to shut her up, but as the class room door shut behind her, she saw Sirius step away from her.

“What do you want?” She said when the intense look he was giving her became too much. Lily had always to a degree gotten along with Remus, and had come to not mind Peter since she started dating James, but her relationship with Sirius was a strange one. James was his best friend, always had been but Lily had sometimes wondered about the two of them and now thought that maybe Sirius had stronger feelings than friendship for James.

“You messed up big time, Evans,” he said and Lily felt the blood drain from her. Sirius did intimidate her. He clearly didn't like her and she remembered how vehemently he threatened her last year over their animagus forms. She cringed, thinking of James and animagus. She had butted her nose in about that one.

She stepped away from him.

“Just leave me alone,” she said.

“Can't do that,” he snapped. “You're breaking James’ heart right now,” he said. Lily wondered if he was actually here to make do on his previous threats. She stretched her fingers, ready to grab her wand if she needed too.

Sirius caught her movements and folded his arms. “Relax. I'm not here to punish you. I'm here to fix this mess you two have made.”

“You're going to help me?” She asked.

“James is my best mate, and you really tore him up. I hate seeing him like that. Somehow, he always ends up broken after a row with you, and I’d gladly let this relationship end, but I know he loves you, and the amount of time he spends watching you on our map or in class when you're not looking is getting really annoying.”

James had been watching her. Lily felt her heart rise. Until now, she had thought he was completely done with her.

“It's not over,” she whispered softly. She glanced back at Sirius. “Thank you.”

He scoffed. “Like I said, I'm not doing this for you.”

Lily hesitated, not sure if she wanted to address this tension with Sirius or just be happy her relationship with James still had a fighting chance.

“What is your problem with me?” She snapped.

“My problem is, Evans, is that you are a perfect little know it all who bulldozes over the people you claim to care about,” he snapped.

Lily shouldn’t be surprised at the words coming out of his mouth but felt the wounded pride rear angrily at the clearly jealous man. How could he suggest that she bulldozed over James? No, Sirius has always has problems with her since they practically learned each other’s names.

“You've always hated me,” Lily said. “This isn't about what happened between James and I just recently. You threatened me last year and have always—” she gestured with her hands, “Had some sort of attitude towards me. Seriously what is it? How have I managed to anger you so much since knowing each other?”

“Merlin, Evans. Not everyone needs to like you,” he snapped.

“That's not what I was suggesting,” she said. “But you…‘hate’ me.”

She stared at him but he looked away. She wasn’t going to get an answer but resigned herself that she was in love with his best friend. Oh. She gave him a second glance and felt stupid that she hadn’t known. Sirius never really liked her, true, but his dislike twisted into something different after she and James officially became a couple.

“You like him,” she said. She thought on the rumors about the two friends when James still went by Jasmine. Maybe there was truth to those rumors at least on Sirius’ end. Sirius had such possessive behavior towards James and hated her because she was to James what Sirius wanted to be.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He snapped.

“James, he's more than a friend to you, isn't he?” she said. It made sense.

“James is my best friend; he's practically a brother to me.” He explained but Lily didn’t believe him.

“But is it enough?” she mumbled. She turned to leave the classroom but Sirius grabbed her arm.

“Hey,” he growled. Lily glared at him and they entered into a staring contest. Sirius let go of her and stepped away. He rubbed his hand through his hair. “He’s my best friend and you’re his girlfriend. That’s how it is.”

“Alright,” she said and nodded.

“Good,” he said stubbornly. “Tonight, I’ll send him to your private dorms, you’re going to be there, you two are going to make up, and you're going to make sure he's happy.”

 

 

 

Lily half expected Sirius not to come through so she was surprised when she entered the heads common room and saw James coming down from his dorm. What perfect timing, she thought and saw that James held the marauder’s map. She couldn't process what that might mean as she couldn't take her eyes off James. He looked so tired and Lily worried he hadn't been eating properly or sleeping. He must've been sharing a bed with one of the marauder's or have taken the floor in their dorm.

“James,” she said. “You're here.”

He shrugged. “I was just grabbing a change of clothes.”

Lily let her eyes fall to the map and wondered if that was actually the truth. He tucked it behind his back.

“I didn't expect to run into you,” he said and finally began his descent down the stairs.

It was a strange thing to say since Lily had been the one to stay in the dorm and James had the map after all; he must've known she was coming.

“How have you been?” She asked after they fell into an awkward silence.

“Exhausted,” he answered honestly which surprised her. She hadn't expected him to answer with anything other than ‘fine’ even if it was a lie. A closer look at him showed that Sirius was right. He sat down on the bottom step and Lily felt like the fact he hadn’t run from her presence the moment she came in was invitation enough to move closer to sit next to him.

“I saw the article,” she said.

“Everyone has by now,” he ran a hand through his hair. “Professor Dumbledore told me you were the witness to the death eaters.”

She nodded.

“You didn't tell me,” he didn't sound mad or even accusing. More like he was just confirming a fact.

She nodded. “I guess we don't talk to each other enough.”

He gave a loud sigh. “I don’t want that,” he admitted. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve been here all along,” she said and reached out to touch his knee.

He nodded. He hesitated only a moment before resting his own hand upon hers.

“Talk to me,” she urged.

“Its really hard," He said. Lily squeezed his knee.

"Its okay to be hurt," She said.

"I’ve been—not been doing great,” he admitted. “I'm trying to be strong, trying to be the person I want to be. I want to be strong. But what everyone says, calling me a girl even still…I know it's stupid, but it wears me down.”

“James, your feelings aren't stupid.”

“I try not to let it bring me down. I don't know what I have to do to make people get it. I may have been born physically a girl but that was never me. And how long will I have to put up with it? I think I'll have to put up with everyone using the wrong pronouns with me or insisting I use the girl’s loo, or telling me I'm wrong about myself for the rest of my life…and Mulciber and Avery, what they did that night, all I could think was everyone wanted this...”

Lily stiffened and squeezed his hand. While she couldn't take her eyes off James’ face he couldn't seem to meet hers, instead choosing to look straight ahead.

“James?” She asked, unsure if she should prompt him to continue or let it be.

“It was all talk at first,” he continued. “Stupid stuff, you've heard what people have said, right?” Lily nodded remembering the whispered comments about James and Lily being girlfriends or that James should've been head girl. Lily squeezed her hands into fists angrily. “They've been doing this since I revealed myself as James, and finally I just snapped and took my wand out. I should've been able to take them both on but even when we were dueling they were still talking: ‘Witches are weaker then wizards no matter how much you cover it up’ or that when I lost they were going to strip me naked and show the school what a ‘woman’ I am.”

Lily pulled James into fierce hug. “Oh my god, James,” she cried. There had been no conversation among the students about this incident and she hoped this meant that was just all talk that James hadn't been violated. James had been left for dead and the threats sounded to her like sexual assault, she couldn't even imagine how he must've felt. “Did they do anything…” she couldn't properly form the words…rape. She was shaking now. 'We found him clothed,' she thought. 'We found him clothed.'

“No,” James said. He pulled from the hug and met her eyes again. “Everything went red, I was so angry and then I felt one of their spells hit me,” he rubbed is for head where the sectumsepra spell hit. “And then it was over.”

Lily was relieved nothing else had happened.

“It's not even them that's the problem,” he said. “They're death eater wannabe trash. It's not the little comments from students I care about, that stuff hurts but they're not important to me. Do you remember when we first had lessons with boggarts way back in third year?” He asked.

Lily nodded, letting the previous conversation drop.

“Do you remember my boggart?” He asked.

Lily shook her head, “No.”

James shook his head. “It was a mirror. I was afraid of myself. And I realized, I'll never leave that behind. It'll be in everyone’s faces when they look at me and in their words when they talk to me. I'll forever be Jasmine Potter.”

Now Lily understood why he didn't want his face his boggart or reveal it to the class that first day of DADA.

“Even your patronus is a doe,” James said. “It's my original animagus. That's why I kept my distance after I left the hospital wing. Even with how much you say you love me, I'll always be her, won't I?”

Lily stiffened and felt like a a dagger was thrown at her heart. James still wouldn't look at her.

“James, I don't see you as a girl,” she said. “I don't.”

“I was flattered at first when you first performed that spell. Your patronus was me and that must mean I'm on your mind, but when other students still call me Jasmine, I just kept thinking, you see me that way too. That I'll never be fully male to you. I know that you would never purposely hurt me and what we have felt so great, but I didn't want to give you that chance to hurt me. That's why I kept my distance. I didn't want that pain from you.”

“I don't want to hurt you,” she repeated at lack of words but her head was spinning and she didn't know what to say that would rectify this. Was what James was saying about her true? Was she someone who was causing him pain like that? His words were sounding like a breakup. Was he really ready to end this? “I feel like all I've done was mess this up,” she felt her vision start to blur. She thought back on the doe memory when she was younger; The little doe that came right up to her unafraid. She hadn't been sure, but it had been James all along. She had always loved that moment. Since she and James got together, she could look back and fantasize that the doe was James and it was the first moment they truly got along. In a way it was the beginning of the path of where they were today. It was their beginning.

“You didn't mess anything up, Lily,” James comforted but Lily couldn't hear him over her tears. She felt James wrap his arm around her back. “It was my insecurities—”

“But that's how I make you feel. I don't mean to make you insecure,” she said. “That doe, I love that doe. I remember you, in a field in fifth year. Remember, you were transformed into your animagus and you came right up to me. Remember?”

James made a noise.

“I love you James. I don't care what your body looks like or what the world thinks of us. I don't. I just want to be at your side. That's what the doe means to me. I'm yours, James. You mean the world to me.”

“You love me?” He asked surprised.

“Yes.” She untangled her hand from his and rests it on his cheek. They stared at each other and Lily could see love in his eyes as well. She remembered her conversation with Alice, had she never said it to him before? She leaned in and kissed him.

“I’m sorry that I've contributed to this mess, James,” she said.

“Lily,” he said.

“But in case you ever doubt me again, you're the man I love.” James smiled at her. “And I love you more than anything. Whatever the future holds, I hope you know I'll be at your side, always.”

“Lily?” He asked with wonder.

“I've never told you I love you, have I?” She said.

“I knew, it's just this year messed me up,” he said. “I love you too.”

 

 

 

Eventually, Lily and James made it to James’ bedroom. Lily realized as they collapsed on his bed, that this was her first time here. The lamps were unlit so it was too dark for her to look around but she imagined he had quidditch posters charmed to the wall and stacks of books he liked the world to imagine he didn't read. She rolled against him; she caught a big whiff of his scent and felt at home.

“I have to confess,” James said after a while, his hand running through her hair. “Sirius has been hounding me to prepare a grand gesture.”

Lily raised her head from James’ chest and looked at him.

“What are you talking about?” Sirius would encourage revenge, wouldn't he? Lily really didn't know Sirius that well other than that he was a huge prankster, James’ best friend, and butted heads with her a lot, but their was a darkness behind his eyes, a coldness of someone who didn't trust easily.

“To win you back,” he explained.

Lily blinked at him then reached up and caressed his cheek. She didn't know what to say but gently smiled to let James know they were okay. James seemed to inhale at her touch as if it gave him strength so she left her palm cupping his cheek.

“You don't need to win me back,” she said softly and kissed him gently.

James blushed and continued. “All last week, He told me I was an idiot to give up the only girl I have ever loved and that I was only punishing myself,” he said and Lily became confused. Sirius said that? She was convinced that Sirius had feelings for James, no matter how much he denied it, and he made it quite clear he didn't like Lily especially with James. But maybe, she thought while resting her head back on James’ chest, maybe Sirius loved James enough to put James first.

 

 

 

The next morning, Lily woke up to find that James and she were in the same position as the previous night. She glanced at him and saw that he was awake and staring at the ceiling. His hands were running through her hair again.

“Morning,” she mumbled.

“Morning,” he said softly. Lily smiled and nuzzled her head against his head.

“What time is it?” She asked.

“Breakfast is nearly over,” he said. Lily groaned. She started to get up but James held her close. “Let's skip first class.”

“James,” she sighed.

“Just once won't kill you?”

“You don't know that,” she said and James chuckled deeply. She shivered. “What would we do, just lay in bed?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he said. He tugged lightly on her hair. Lily just sighed and mumbled acquiescence. After the night they had, they deserved a lie-in.

“Yeah, alright,” She repeated. Lily wasn’t fully awake and for a moment thought she had fallen asleep again. Her mind was drowsy and so she wasn’t so sure about what was reality but as James continued to play with her hair, she smiled into his chest. “I worry that this is a dream,” She mumbled.

“Dream of me often, then?” He asked. Lily could hear the smirk in his voice.

“James, don’t get a big head,” She said.

He laughed. “I like that you dream of me.”

“I think of you when I cast a patronus,” She told him, and James stilled.

“Really?”

Lily looked at him. “You make me happy. I think of you a lot.” She sat up and began to kiss him. “I think of you when I dream.” She kissed him. “When I’m alone and wondering where you are.” She kissed him. “When I’m scared.” She kissed him and this time he didn’t let her speak. He rolled them over so that she lay back on the bed and he was on top of her. She moaned as he began to rub against her.

“Lily?”

“It’s okay,” She said. “I want this.”

They kissed again and her hands went to the buttons on his shirt and when she successfully removed his shirt, she began to undo her own. He let his hands explore the expanse of her flesh and slowly moved towards her chest.

Their eyes met and if either Lily or James felt insecure or unsure about what they were about to do, the faith and love they saw in the others' eyes gave them everything they needed.

 

 

 

When they eventually joined their peers in class, they managed to stay close to each other throughout the day. James was grateful he could hold Lily’s hand and she seemed excited to be paired with him in their assignments. They had lunch and dinner together and fielded questions from their friends, simply saying they worked through their problems and that was that.

There was one thing that James felt he needed to do though. He told Lily he would meet up with in time for prefect rounds and she accepted that without questions, which he was grateful for. He kissed her on the cheek and headed out.

He walked towards the DADA classroom and when he entered he saw the professor working on his notes.

“Look who showed up today,” He said and James grimaced knowing it was this class that he and Lily had skipped.

“Sorry, Professor,” He said.

“Mhmm,” the professor grunted. “I’m assuming you are here to collect notes.”

“I’ve already talked to Remus about borrowing his,” James said. “I actually, wanted to give one of those boggarts a try.”

The professor gave him a look and then nodded. “Fortunately I still have one in my office.”

He charmed the door to his office open and a wardrobe was levitated out and placed against the far wall of the classroom away from the student desks.

“I’ll give you some privacy to work out your fears, but I really don’t have much time to spare, Mr. Potter, so I’ll give you a half-hour before I return.”

James nodded to the professor who gave him a curious look before leaving for his office.

James couldn’t relax until he had the classroom to himself. Since he only had a short time to work before the teacher returned, he needed to be quick. He definitely didn’t want anyone to see what his boggart would become.

He waved his wand and the wardrobe open. Years ago, when he had first been introduced to boggarts, his worst fear manifested as a mirror. James could still remember standing at the front of the class as he stared at his reflection, and the dislike he felt. He was better prepared now. He was older, more mature, and ready to face that demon, but what he hadn't expected to see was a girl step out of the wardrobe in a Hogwart's uniform.

He blinked quickly.

“Lily?” He asked confused.

The girl had Lily’s gorgeous shade of red hair and her bright green eyes. She blinked at him owlishly. Why would his boggart take the form of her? They had just recently mended their relationship. He knew she loved him; they were finally on the same page. Seeing her didn’t make him feel fear, but rather confusion.

She opened her mouth as if to greet him but water began to gush out. It didn't stop and soon her clothes began to grow soaked and a puddle formed at her feet. She grabbed at her throat and began to gasp. Her eyes became red and her face purple.

“Lily!” He cried. He ran to her side and felt her hands claw at him, water still pouring from her mouth. Her hands felt weak until she finally collapsed in his arms. “Lily,” he sobbed.

He was stuck like this, her body in his arms, and he realized completely what his greatest fear was.

“Riddikulus!” A voice cried out from behind him.

Lily’s body transformed into a flower in his arms. James took a moment to wipe his tears away before looking to who had cast the spell.

“Professor?” He asked. Professor Podgno smiled kindly at him. James didn’t need to glance at a clock to know that time had escaped him.

“Are you alright, Mr. Potter?” He asked. James glanced at the flower in his lap. He didn’t bother answering but slowly stood up. He tossed the flower back into the wardrobe and the teacher swished his wand and the wardrobe shut. “I’m sorry I left you to deal with this—”

“No,” James interrupted. “I needed to see this. It just wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“With fear, it never is,” The teacher said. He was clearly full of questions but trying his best to keep them to himself, which James appreciated.

James nodded stiffly, “Thank you, Professor.”

The teacher bid him an awkward goodnight and James took his leave. On the walk back to his dorm, the revelation of his biggest fear settled into his conscience. His biggest fear was losing Lily, of her literally dying.

He was still pale and unsteady when he walked into the common room of his shared dorm with Lily and saw her sitting on the couch. She looked up to smile at him and James relaxed when he saw her face was normal, her eyes clear and green, and no water pouring from her lips.

Before she could even properly greet him, he captured her lips in a sweet kiss.


End file.
